tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-77557469681455526572024-03-08T04:36:51.909-06:00The Extra Ordinary Life of meThis is a small experiment in the ordinary. I hope you enjoy or that this works!Cassandrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05217659973638310156noreply@blogger.comBlogger224125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7755746968145552657.post-81472899828721771692024-01-24T14:03:00.000-06:002024-01-24T14:03:26.175-06:00The day I almost lost my battle to my Demon <p> <span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; text-align: justify;">It Bell’s Mental Health #LetsTalk Day. If you don’t know me already by name is Cassandra and I have struggle and still struggle with my mental health. I have a diagnosis of Anxiety, Depression and complex PTSD.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; text-align: justify;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; margin: 0in; text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-US">I want to talk about when I also lost my battle to my “demon.” I have been off work since June 2019 working on my recovery. Initially when I went off work I thought it would be a couple of weeks, months at most but here we are almost 5 years later. I am happy to say that where I am now is leagues and miles better than where I was but that doesn’t mean there hasn’t been a lot of ups and downs. My team has struggled with finding the correct medication to help me – so when I say I have tried a lot of them I think the list at more than 20. In the spring of 2021 we had found a combination that had been working really well. I was making massive strides thinking I could maybe look at returning to work soon. I started work on my massive garden project things were going really well until the start of July. I started to notice that the day time was ok but as the evenings started to move on the dark scary place in my head started to get larger and louder and my thoughts became worse. Every day I would wake up and think ok they aren’t so loud but as the day would go on the thoughts go louder. I didn’t want to die but I didn’t want to have these thoughts and I didn’t want to have the pain anymore. I struggled a lot – I was still in trauma therapy at the time and was working with my counselor. Part of me thinks like a scientist and I knew that sometimes on medications for depression they can have the opposite impact and make thoughts worse and I thought maybe it was my medications. I had an appointment shortly with “my” psychiatrist (and I use that term loosely because he was a consulting psychiatrist for my family doctor) and I knew the medication I was on had to be tapered off and free from the systems before other drugs could be started. So with that in mind and with talking with my counsellor I stopped my medications. I spoke with the psychiatrist on a Friday and he prescribed two new medications; advised my husband to lock up all of the medications we had in the house and he also had the Crisis Response Centre follow up with me over the weekend to see how I was doing. I tried the new medications but I did not react well to them. I described it as feeling like a monkey hopped up on drugs but stuck in a cage. On second day I had a follow up I said the medications are not making me feel well – but I thought it could be because one of them was one I was on before and I knew that it made me feel weighed down so I checked with the Crisis Response team about switching that back to another medication I had been on that didn’t have that side effect and they said it was ok. So I tried two days of this new combination and it still made me feel absolutely awful. So again I stopped those medications but because the weekend was over Crisis Response told me to see the psychiatrist and that they were done with their follow up as it was just for the weekend. I tried to explain that I had no way of getting a hold of him – I only got once a year appointments as follows up if my doctor asked for them. They said then to call my doctor (who is amazing) but she was out of town – I still called and left messages and tried to get a hold of someone but couldn’t. That was the night that things got really bad and I sat for an hour with an electrical cord around my neck having an internal fight. I felt such shame and hurt and I could let my husband walk in and find me like that. So I took the cord off and I tried to sleep. The next morning just by coincidence my counsellor called me to reschedule something and left me a message. When I say this many will not understand but I knew in that moment, on that morning when my demon was sleeping in its cave getting ready to come back out and attack me that evening – I knew that I had a trust with Matt enough to call and say I was not ok. I knew that he wouldn’t ask why or ask me to explain I could just say It’s not good, I’m not ok. I called him back and by a stroke of luck he answered and I said I’m no ok. He asked a couple of questions and then spoke with my husband. I was in a place where I knew that I needed to be taken to the hospital, and it needed to be done by the police or I would find a way to talk my way out of it and that our current plans and the friends that we had checking and helping me weren’t going to keep me safe. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><span lang="EN-US"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; margin: 0in; text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-US">I know it sounds odd to say that I knew I needed help but I also knew that I would find a way to try and get out of the help if it was a friend or family member taking me. I say this because I can be persuasive and stubborn. But I also say this because there was such an amount of shame and guilt for feeling like I was in such a low and awful place. There is such a stigma around dying by suicide and the selfish nature of the act and the harm it could do. I didn’t want to hurt my family or friends more by having them think or worry about me, I didn’t want to be a burden. It is such a strange place to be when you are in a place where you are struggling between the desire to just be a peace and have things end but also wanting to live but just not live in the place where you currently are. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; margin: 0in; text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-US"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; margin: 0in; text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-US">At the Crisis Response Centre you would think I got help but I didn’t. It was awful – it was worse because it started to be later into the day by time I got into the centre and by time they were able to speak with me. The Nurse I saw immediately labeled me as “non-med compliant” because I had stopped taking ALL of my medications. Again, I had stopped taking my anti-depression medication because I was going to talk with “my” psychiatrist and then stopped taking the new ones because they made me feel worse. I had tried to get help, I had tried to reach out but couldn’t but she didn’t see it that way because I had stopped taking my non-mental health ones also. I tried to explain that yes I did because I usually took them in the evening and by time night rolled around I didn’t care about managing my symptoms of PCOS like facial hair so couldn’t see the point of taking those drugs because I was more concerned about not being here anymore. She said that I just needed to “help myself” and have a plan in place, even though I had a plan, and had been getting help from friends and we were not sure we could keep me safe. Despite the fact that I was sitting in a room doing nothing but imaging ways that one could find a way to end it all and defending myself I felt nothing but judged. They said that because I had a diagnosis, medications I could take, and a psychiatrist they wouldn’t keep me. That at best they could send me home and see when a spot may open up in the Crisis Stabilization Unit but that could be weeks. I tried again to explain that the medications were not working, they were making me feel both physically and mentally worse, and that I didn’t have a psychiatrist I had one that worked with my doctor I couldn’t even get a hold of and I explained that as the day went by and later into the evening things got worse. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; margin: 0in; text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-US">They decided to discharge me at 10:30 pm and have my husband pick me up. I gave up at that moment. When I walked out the doors I felt like I knew that the end was coming and there was nothing I could do. As we were walking to the car they called my husband back to grab something I had forgotten and I just walked off into downtown and found a spot and sat and cried and made a plan. It took 2 hours for the police and my husband to find me sitting under a tree in a park downtown. The police were very sympathetic when they had heard what had happened. They said my choices were to go back to the CRC, to emergency or home. I said that the Emergency would send me to CRC and they already said they couldn’t help me. So I went home – and the only way I can describe that is it’s like walking into a real life horror movie that you can’t turn off. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><span lang="EN-US"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; margin: 0in; text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-US">The next day my I tried calling everyone and anyone again – to say listen I’m not right I need help. I took advantage of those daytime hours when I knew that the demon was asleep. Then the Crisis Response Centre called back to follow up from the night before while I waited for a spot in the Stabilization unit. I was pissed because again she asked if I started taking my meds yet and I said no – they do not help they make me feel physically and emotionally worse. She then asked if I had any specific plans to end things. I screamed at her I did, I did the day before, I did the night before and the days before that. I said that I told them that just hours ago in the room when they said it was safe enough for me to go home. She said oh well you need to come back and I refused because they were just going to do the same thing as the day before. The nurse told me they would have to send the police for me and I said do whatever your team deserted me the night before. My husband and I went about our things and went to do some errands to keep me busy until I get a frantic phone call from a neighbor asking if I was ok because the police were at our house contemplating breaking down the door but were concerned about the dog that sounded vicious on the other side. (Love you Halley) I said I was struggling and she passed the phone to the police. They made arrangements to meet us close to where we were. I will acknowledge now that I have a huge amount of privilege that when the police came to meet me that they were kind, and very empathetic and didn’t have guns drawn. Instead one of the officers sat on the grass with me while the other spoke to my husband. I had explained everything that had been happening for the last couple of weeks and especially the night before. The officer shared with me that they had had horrible experiences with the CRC and mine was not an uncommon story. The officer also shared with me some of his struggles with his mental health. They agreed to not take me in to the Crisis Response Centre. I was fortunate that not long after that one of the nurses at my doctor’s office found a way to get a hold of the Psychiatrist. He was livid to say the least. He suggested trying a new medication and he also called the Crisis Response to set them straight on the fact that I was in fact med compliant. Thankfully I had an amazing team and amazing group of friends that would reach out and check on me. It took a couple of weeks on the new meds but things got better. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; margin: 0in; text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-US"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; margin: 0in; text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-US">I will say this now - My counsellor Matt saved my life that day with making that phone call. I also credit my friends and family with checking in, coming to watch me so I wasn’t physically alone. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; margin: 0in; text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-US"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; margin: 0in; text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-US"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; margin: 0in; text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-US"> </span></p>Cassandra LWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04920142032696011857noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7755746968145552657.post-52029025115271747762021-07-28T04:48:00.000-05:002021-07-28T04:48:07.020-05:00The Reason a Lot of People Won't Become Who They Want.... - Lisa Nichols.<p> Tonight (well technically very early morning as it is 4:30 am) I happened to open my instagram and one of my friend's stories started playing. I usually don't watch stories but the narration caught me and got me to stop and listen.</p><blockquote><p style="text-align: justify;">The reason a lot of people won't become who they want is because they're too attached to who they've been. And you hear it all the time when people say I've always been that way. Okay, well if that's working for you keep doing that. I knew it wasn't working for me any longer. I had hit my version of rock bottom...That day what shifted for me, I was willing, I don't know if this is going to sound crazy, I was willing to completely die to any form of me that I had been so that I can birth the woman that I was becoming. I was willing to let go of everything and everybody. Another reason people won't get there is because the doorway is for you to fit through. You're trying to carry everybody else through 'cause you're trying to be rescue 911, and you gotta rescue you first. I am much more valuable to my family and to my community because I was willing to let them go. Go through the door myself teach myself, learn myself, condition myself, and then come back and get them. I'm much more valuable to them now, but I had to go through a window time of 10 years of judgment...i had to be willing to allow my conviction to make me an inconvenienced. See, we wanna grow but we want to all stay liked by everybody. I was wiling to be my own rescue at the risk of your approval. Most of us aren't like that... well, I woke up and liked myself today so your like is extra. My job is to like me first. I was willing to say everyday, "Lisa, you like you?' "Lisa, are you proud of you?""Lisa are you planned full out?" Everyday before I checked in with anybody else.</p></blockquote><p style="text-align: center;">
<iframe allow="autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; picture-in-picture; web-share" allowfullscreen="true" frameborder="0" height="476" scrolling="no" src="https://www.facebook.com/plugins/video.php?height=476&href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2FArmsWideOpen1%2Fvideos%2F511569209585840%2F&show_text=false&width=380&t=0" style="border: none; overflow: hidden;" width="380"></iframe>
</p><p>It has had me thinking a lot about my current situation about being on LTD and really uncertain of my future and what it might hold. For now watch and listen.</p><p> </p><blockquote><p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="text-align: left;"> </span></p></blockquote><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p> </p>Cassandra LWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04920142032696011857noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7755746968145552657.post-79864014068340299812021-07-21T05:44:00.003-05:002021-07-21T05:44:44.461-05:00I don't know who I am ... anymore.. or did I ever really<p style="text-align: justify;"><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DBPNo8JOg5s/YPf46U-3fjI/AAAAAAAAQSc/0AbwlehxOcYi2LZOJ56MDhOYJaDXUpNHwCPcBGAsYHg/s1920/IMG_7038.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1920" data-original-width="1280" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DBPNo8JOg5s/YPf46U-3fjI/AAAAAAAAQSc/0AbwlehxOcYi2LZOJ56MDhOYJaDXUpNHwCPcBGAsYHg/w213-h320/IMG_7038.JPG" title="Sunset from Tulabi Falls, Manitoba" width="213" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sunset, Tulabi Falls</td></tr></tbody></table> I am sitting in what I have come to call my self-care room. It used to be my work out room but honestly the workout equipment in here hasn't been used in a while. Both because of pain but also because of fear. I have started to transform this room to allow me to explore other things like art, creativity, sewing, painting, yoga, really a room that feels like is holds puzzle pieces. </p><p style="text-align: justify;">Sitting here contemplating what I want to do - as in it is 4:00 am and I'm stuck. Stuck in the moment, stuck in life and stuck in fear. When I turned 30 I felt free, like it was a gift because I never imagined or saw my life beyond 30. When I would be asked "where do you see yourself in 10 years" I never really had an answer because I didn't. I honestly didn't think I would live past the age of 30. We even decided to tempt fate and went tandem sky diving the day before I turned 30. I had a small birthday party and promised myself that I would now really start living my life. I have no idea what it meant and no idea what I was going to do I just knew that is what your are suppose to do, right? I mean, YOLO and all. </p><p style="text-align: justify;"><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sa1LM_DD8Fk/YPf46aS56CI/AAAAAAAAQSc/As5yPdZBAsM9uYW_BY1eiSJncBZiBD3vQCPcBGAsYHg/s1920/IMG_7175.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1920" data-original-width="1280" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sa1LM_DD8Fk/YPf46aS56CI/AAAAAAAAQSc/As5yPdZBAsM9uYW_BY1eiSJncBZiBD3vQCPcBGAsYHg/w213-h320/IMG_7175.JPG" title="The Top of Tulabi Falls, Manitoba, Canada" width="213" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Top of Tulabi Falls</td></tr></tbody></table>I still didn't know what that meant and approaching my 40th birthday I could look back to the time right before I turned 30 and the promises that I made to myself about how life would be different, but little did I know that life would be the same in so many ways. After turning 30 I faced a difficult year where I had my first serious bout with depression and anxiety which I just pushed through. I didn't know what I wanted to be and where I wanted to be in my life. I had done the things I was suppose to and had the life that I had been taught by life I was suppose to have. I was married, had an amazing daughter, a small modest starter home with a huge yard with lots of potential, two cars, a good professional career but I was miserable. </p><p style="text-align: justify;">Here I am facing 40 - a whole decade later and in so many ways in the same position and in so many ways not the same position. I am married again to a man that I drive nuts but can't imagine being without; still have an amazing, wonderful, brilliant child, a modest home with a small yard that I just transformed into an area that I love, one car, two dogs and two cats. I have a job (of sorts) I am on long term disability away from my job working on healing myself, a job that I loved that my boss literally told me after I was hired that it was like the job was made for me and my specific qualifications and experiences, but that specific job, that fate seemed to push me towards, will soon no longer be mine.</p><p style="text-align: justify;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HcEFHi5eaxE/YPf46UPQPKI/AAAAAAAAQSc/GIGU9FkbK_QxZ__hhY8qMDKh-XWDeLSjwCPcBGAsYHg/s1920/IMG_7211.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1920" data-original-width="1280" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HcEFHi5eaxE/YPf46UPQPKI/AAAAAAAAQSc/GIGU9FkbK_QxZ__hhY8qMDKh-XWDeLSjwCPcBGAsYHg/s320/IMG_7211.JPG" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The path to the bottom</td></tr></tbody></table>I am sitting listening to an amazing spoken word artist on Instagram - <a href="https://www.instagram.com/adamrussellvisuals/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Adam Russell</a> thinking about happiness, trying to figure out what is happiness? What makes me happy? Who am I really? For much of my life I have worn masks and armour to defend and protect myself so that I could carry on, so that I could present who I was suppose to be and what people thought of me. Away from all the things and stuff in the world, hidden away the masks and armour have been removed and what is left is me, just me, the real me a person I haven't seen or heard from in ... well I don't know how long because I honestly can't remember. So I sit listless and yearning to get going, to get moving and to figure out who I am.</p><blockquote><p style="text-align: justify;">"I think happiness is about letting go of what you thought your life is suppose to be and just embracing where you are now and how special it is." - Adam Russell</p></blockquote><p style="text-align: justify;">I took my 40th Birthday as a day mostly to myself, it was not the day as I had planned. I had planned to spend the day with my husband and daughter, maybe some friends or family, but unfortunately circumstances that I could not control meant that I was with my daughter and one of the dogs at the yurt. So I went with what life gave me and took part of the day by myself. I faced things, such simple things that were such huge fears and I found moments of it - moments of happiness. When I tried to control of exert power over the moments they fought back and taught me to just be still when I needed to be still, be strong when I needed to be and to be ok with making a decision not to do something when I never really wanted to do it in the first place. Being in this space on this day I realized that so much of my life has been dictated by fear, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of being seen, fear of not being seen, just fear of everything. So for me this next year of my life I will be focusing on being Forty and Fearless. </p><p style="text-align: justify;">I will also be looking at doing a 40 while 40 list. Do I have a list yet? No. Does the list have to be big things? No. What makes the list and doesn't? I don't know and that is a start of not letting fear dictate my life. <br /><br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7HyvnQrcl6U/YPf46VG8NEI/AAAAAAAAQSc/R0bWo39P5agO_uPlggHcDwpTVaAmU74HgCPcBGAsYHg/s3088/IMG_1434.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3088" data-original-width="2316" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7HyvnQrcl6U/YPf46VG8NEI/AAAAAAAAQSc/R0bWo39P5agO_uPlggHcDwpTVaAmU74HgCPcBGAsYHg/w240-h320/IMG_1434.HEIC" title="Climbed the rocks to the base of the falls, Tulabi Falls, Manitoba" width="240" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Climbed to the base of the falls</td></tr></tbody></table><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-y3UWsf_mH5g/YPf46SkJY9I/AAAAAAAAQSc/XBnsAZd0FSYEytZMLwzwyVrsRs5qKU7XQCPcBGAsYHg/s1920/IMG_7265.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="1920" height="266" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-y3UWsf_mH5g/YPf46SkJY9I/AAAAAAAAQSc/XBnsAZd0FSYEytZMLwzwyVrsRs5qKU7XQCPcBGAsYHg/w400-h266/IMG_7265.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me on the cliff, in a bikini at 40 deciding not to jump </td></tr></tbody></table></p><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><p></p><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p>Cassandra LWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04920142032696011857noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7755746968145552657.post-57333239807331892042021-01-21T01:58:00.004-06:002021-01-21T01:58:57.367-06:00 The Other Side of the #MeToo Movement <p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #202124; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">The #</span><b><span style="color: #202124; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">MeToo</span></b><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #202124; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"> Movement can be </span><b><span style="color: #202124; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">defined</span></b><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #202124; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"> as a social movement against sexual violence and sexual assault that advocates for females who survived sexual violence to speak out about their experience. It is also - for me - a movement of people finally stopping keeping secrets and stopping the secrets from having power over them. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">When the #MeToo movement started I was elated to finally have acknowledged just how much of a wide scale the problem of sexual harassment is. I have been sexually harassed and assaulted in many different scenarios – ranging from childhood trauma to being a successful and highly educated woman.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">In part I was able to speak of the harassment I received. I could speak about sexually harassed by my boss while I was working at Computer Boulevard in Winnipeg. Known at the time also as CBiT I worked directly under the Vice President of the Company Richard Balmer. He would do small things like come into the office and slap be on the back. He would also make some dirty jokes with the other guys who worked in the back office. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">The most horrific thing he every did to me was on a day when I went in to a meeting with the president in his office. The President of the company had a known history of smoking in his office and I have an allergy to smoke. After having a meeting in his office about some project that was ongoing I was walking back to my office and as I was doing this the guys in the network area were having lunch. They were eating sushi together at the table when Richard saw me coughing a little bit and then he asked me if I was having trouble swallowing while he motioned with his hand to and from his mouth with his tongue in his check having it bulge out. I want to be 100% clear he was making a motion that clearly indicated to myself and the others in the room that he was suggesting that I had just given the president of the company a blow job. I was horrified and then he encouraged the other people sitting with him at the table to make jokes at my expense and frankly I don’t and can’t remember them. I just remember feeling completely and totally humiliated. I walked in to my office, which was shared by Richard, myself and one other person. I had no choice but to walk through the meeting room to get back and forth to my office space. I didn’t know what I was going to do at the time because I felt stuck as I had been looking for a permanent full-time job for a while and I couldn’t think of having to start the job hunt all over again. The worst part was that Richard knew this and he held this power over me.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">The only bright side of this interaction was during the same week I ended up receiving a letter saying that I was accepted into a program so I would be returning to work on a full-time basis. I worked a letter explaining everything that had happened and gave it to the other manager of the store and to his credit he took it extremely seriously. But writing the letter and even going to speak to him was terrifying, I had contemplated just calling and saying I quit and from the time I drove to work until I spoke with the second manager in the back I kept thinking of running in the other direction.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">I had not had a good relationship with the store manager before as I had snipped and been grumpy with him previously. But on this day when I told him I needed to talk to him somewhere private (it’s a warehouse with some office space) and gave him the letter. As soon as he started reading the letter I broke down and I was in tears. He showed the greatest deal of empathy for me and apologized for not asking more when he saw that I was having difficulty at the office. Once the President was informed he had a great deal of empathy for the situation. He asked to meet with me immediately and then ensured that we went to a different office and he apologized profusely for having me in his office previously he didn't know about my smoke allergy. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">They sent Richard home for the following two weeks while I completed the project I was working on, they even moved me into the training classroom so that I could in a different environment away from the other guys in that room. That was his only punishment for the actions that he made. I know that at least one of the other guys in the room felt bad for me - he is a friend of my brother's and he apologized in the years since the incident as he felt horrible for the treatment I received. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">To him I now say – your little interactions and tiny jokes of this nature have lasted with me to this day, some 17 years later I wear that scar and say #MeToo. I am also tired of keeping this with me and keeping it a secret of what happened and telling a lie about the punishment you received to make myself feel utterly less pathetic and that I was actually able to face the person who violated me. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"></p><blockquote><span style="font-family: -webkit-standard;">... I know he wanted to keep [him] a secret from me, but I don't like secrets. You think you're keeping the secret, but really it's keeping you. (p 237)</span></blockquote><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">To the guys who were working in that department and heard and saw what was going on I choose to have some faith in humanity that you felt sorry and scared and that is the only reason you chose to do nothing to stop what happened and to protect me from having to endure that. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">To people who are in that situation in the future – help – it is your moral duty to help protect that person. By standing by and doing nothing you help him – you helped him diminish me, making me feel small, terrible and worthless. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">For me here is where the #MeToo movement becomes much more complicated and difficult. The number of times that I have been violated are too numerous to count. I have suffered through countless traumas and one of the most difficult thing is that they are kept secret. The worst part is that these secrets have been kept in emotional jars, boxes and vaults that are with me every single second and minute of the day. I carry them with me at all times and to all places. The stress and trauma of carrying these violations with me is beyond difficult and complicated to explain. In one part I carry them in tightly closed and control manners so that these things cannot come out and hurt or haunt me... or at least I try to. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">I want to use the metaphor I have been using with my counsellor – the traumas are my monsters – little demons that have hurt me. The jars and boxes are the cages for these monsters. As time goes on I continue collecting these jars and monsters and stack them up and keep walking forward because I have no choice. The problem is that eventually that stack of jars and boxes becomes so big you quickly fail to know or realize how big the stack got. What happens then is deceiving, debilitating and terrible. Some of the jars break shattering glass everywhere cutting through all parts of you and your life. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">It’s funny because when a jar breaks I consider it LUCKY if I knew what was in that jar because I could run around throwing band aids over the parts of me that were cut. If band aids weren’t big enough I would throw blankets over it the cuts left and then I would take the shards I could find and the demon and then put them all back together neatly in another slightly bigger jar or box and then add them back to the stack. I would say it was luck to knew what was in the jar because I could identify and name what that little bastard demon was. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">The problem with the huge stack of jars and boxes it blocks things – it blocks your views of all the demons and monsters to the point that I don’t know all the demons and monsters there. Beyond that the stack starts to spread out to other areas and starts to block memories and not just memories of the bad but memories of the good. I have a person that I knew from high school and it is weird... I remember one of the first times I talked to her after high school but honestly don’t remember being friends with her in high school at all until our reunion. She and a few others talked about times and things that I had done with them. I could not remember any of these things or events and some of them were not insignificant – when I went looking through my mind they weren’t there they were completely gone. Blocked by the emotional mess that has been left behind by these jars and boxes. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">This brings me back to #MeToo. A first it was like a major breath of fresh air in – it was like someone had taken this weighted blanket off and for the first time it seems a little better. But as I sat and looked at the jars and boxes all I could see was that I was going to have to double down on making sure I kept these jars and boxes were closed. I cannot talk about the things that happened to me as a child for fear of it impacting the person who harmed me – and there is more than one but telling my secret would me them probably having to tell their secrets. I cannot even get into why and how I would want to protect their secrets. As I looked on more of the trauma I kept this person’s information a secret because of this. I kept what this person did to me a secret because of what it would do to their reputation and what I would feel people would think about me. I am and was worried about people judging me for the stupid and terrible things I was doing in my life making bad decisions and thereby saying things like I had I coming, I don’t deserve empathy or support because of my part, that I should be ashamed of myself. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">So here I sit shackled to this pile of monsters guarding them in their jars and boxes, feeling like I can do nothing with it other than protect it - not just to protect myself but to make sure I protect those that have harmed me. So with all the liberation and empowerment that the #MeToo movement has brought not just to myself and others here I sit still waiting and pondering. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">So this year I have chosen my word to focus on is #Power taking my power back over my life, over my feelings. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">I have just finished reading a book that has taken... 8 months to read. The book is <a href="https://www.amazon.ca/Confessions-Forty-Something-Alexandra-Potter/dp/1529046238/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=" target="_blank">Confessions of a Forty Something by Alexandra Potter </a> #noideawhatimdoing and I leave you with this</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><br /></span></p><blockquote><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">... I know he wanted to keep [him] a secret from me, but I don't like secrets. You think you're keeping the secret, but really it's keeping you. (p 237)</p></blockquote><blockquote><p>For so long I've been keeping this secret, but know I realize it's been keeping me. Keeping me stuck. Keeping me from changing my narrative from one of fear and failure. </p></blockquote><blockquote><p>I look out across the horizon, at this vast, wide open space and I feel very small. In my hands I feel the paper fluttering in the breeze; all the sadness I've kept buried deep inside, all the ashes of my past waiting to be carried away on the wind.</p></blockquote><blockquote><p>And then I let it go (p 331-332) </p></blockquote><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"> </span></p>Cassandra LWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04920142032696011857noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7755746968145552657.post-20900393933513843212020-04-09T23:49:00.002-05:002020-04-09T23:51:37.790-05:00The Little Things and Gratitude <div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><span style="caret-color: rgb(34, 34, 34); color: #222222;"><b>I would like to call on Galen Weston and PC Optimum to allow people to donate their PC Optimum Points to local food banks through out the country like Winnipeg Harvest. I would also love the PC Optimum program to match the donations for the food banks.</b></span></span><br />
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<span class="e24Kjd" style="color: #222222; padding: 0px 8px 0px 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Gratitude helps us value the small things we often take for granted because we start paying attention to the good things in life. Some days, it can be as exciting as getting a promotion at work, and some days it might just be that your coffee tasted good that morning.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">In this extremely difficult time the entire world feels like it has been turned upside down. I have watched slowly since the start of January the world and people coming to a grinding halt. The one aspect that has flourished in many places is selfless acts to help others. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">There is so much for many of us to be grateful for and much of the things that people are finding themselves being grateful for are the little things. I am grateful my parents are home from Europe and are safe. I am grateful that I have four fur babies that keep us on our toes. I am grateful that my family is safe and healthy. I am grateful that while both my husband and I are currently off work for non-COVID related reasons I have some protection for my income. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">When my husband first went off work in October 2018 it was the scariest time in my life - frankly more scary than the current situation for me. He had very little sick time and we relied on both of our incomes to make ends meet. I had had a friend that went through a similar situation when her husband went off work and I know some of the financial difficulties they went through. I was scared, I was scared that we would lose our home, affording a vehicle, being able to get food. I was completely and totally overwhelming for months as we wadded through the process that was EI, Short-term disability and then long-term disability. His EI claim had many hiccups and took weeks to sort out, I had to call our credit union and beg for help with our mortgage payments. I called other creditors and sobbed explaining what the situation is asking for help. I was scared beyond belief as I didn't know what was on the other side. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">In these weeks there are literally millions of families that are going through the very same thing. Sure Banks and financial companies are offering some form of relief, there is emergency benefits flowing out to people as quick as possible for a number of weeks that will ease some pain and difficulty. However, just as I knew that disability payments would eventually start to come that knowledge didn't ease my anxiety and fears. At the time I had work and other commitments that helped me focus on other things but now people are at home facing this worry. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">People are scared and unsure what is coming. What worries me is the Organizations in our community that rely on donations to provide support to people. I have my own fears about my family but I know if I really needed it now I would be fortunate to have some friends and family that I could ask for help from but many people are not as fortunate as I am to be in that situation. There has been news stories about programs having absolutely no donations come in and I understand it - if you are scared about your own finances and making ends meet you are not going to be able to support others.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">I don't have a lot of means to make financial contributions but I do currently have 45,000 or $45 worth of PC Optimum Points. I would like to call on Galen Weston and PC Optimum to allow people to donate their PC Optimum Points to local food banks through out the country like Winnipeg Harvest. I would also love the PC Optimum program to match donations for the food banks. Especially in this time of social distancing this would allow people to donate to the organizations without having to go out of the house. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">For me I could definitely use the $45 in PC Optimum points to help towards our groceries; however, I am sure that there are people who could use the help more from our local food bank. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">I cannot take entire credit for this idea - this is an idea that was sparked during the Fort MacMurray Wildfires and another crisis where we sent our points to friends to allow them to have some of their burden lightened. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">Please call on PC Optimum to #donatethepoints #SupportFoodBanks</span></div>
Cassandra LWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04920142032696011857noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7755746968145552657.post-63006696955431561942020-03-18T07:30:00.003-05:002020-03-18T07:30:57.446-05:00COVID19, Family, Reflections and getting Canadians home<div style="text-align: justify;">
COVID 19 started hitting the news sometime in the beginning of January and like the virus the news of the havoc that this virus has been causing across the world has continued. </div>
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Before any of this I would have constant nightmares about the end of the world. Some involved natural disasters such as hurricanes or tornadoes. Other dreams would involve situations very much like this one were a virus or plague runs through our world and ... well things get bad in my nightmares. One constant theme has always been that there has been a separation from family - either I am by myself or part of my family is in a different location and we struggle to find one another again. I have been off work since the beginning of June dealing with depression, anxiety and PTSD. I never truly understood how much anxiety played a role in my life until I stopped being at work and stopped pretty much everything else and then I truly started to understand the thoughts and feelings I was having was a constant state of anxiety.</div>
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I have been working with some amazing counsellors and referred to some excellent programs as we work to get a balance for my treatment plan and correct medication. A few months ago grocery shopping was completely and totally overwhelming to me, but we had worked on strategies to cope. Then a few weeks ago something struck me and it took me 4 hours to do my grocery shopping on a Monday night. It was the sight of empty shelves - and the longer I went through the store more and more was missing. I know that this has been a common sight lately; however, this was at the start of March. I grabbed a few extra of a couple of things and headed home. I remember walking into my living room saying to my husband that I think I am over reacting and this can't be real. I spent the week making lists and doing some preparing of items for our home. I sent my Dad a link to an article about panic buying in China and Italy on February 26, 2020. </div>
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My parents have been in Europe since New Years visiting family and having some relaxing time in Portugal. They were planning on coming back March 31, 2020. This is a trip they have taken before, but they haven't been back to Portugal in a number of years so they were definitely looking forward to it. </div>
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On March 4, 2020 I messaged my Dad about the toilet paper crisis letting him know it was starting here in Canada. On March 6, 2020 I sent him a link showing the growth and spread of the virus in Europe. On March 8, 2020 I asked my parents if they had heard about what was happening in Italy, and on March 9, 2020 I sent him a link to register with the Canadian Government. On March 11, 2020 I told my parents that when they come home they need to be self-isolating for at least two weeks. On March 12, 2020 I sent him news about the US suspending all travel from Europe and told him they should think about coming home early. He replied that he and other people had looked into it but it would cost upwards of $1,000 a person to change the flights. I could tell my parents were getting frustrated with me and I thought maybe it was just my anxiety acting up. On March 14, 2020 Francois-Philippe Champagne tweeted:</div>
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That is the night that everything changed. They had gotten an email from Air Canada saying their flights were changed from March 31, 2020 to March 30, 2020. I spoke with them at 8:30 pm CST and they said maybe we should move up their flights to go home at the same time as friends who were staying with them in Portugal. They were having problems accessing the Air Canada website from Portugal as were some others. I had tried logging on to the Air Canada website to make changes and couldn't so I called into Air Canada for them. </div>
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I sat that night on hold with Air Canada for 2 hours before talking to an amazing agent who managed to get them booked to come home on March 26, 2020 on the same flights as their friends. When I spoke with the Agent we had looked at earlier dates but I wasn't sure and I was again doubting my anxiety. I spoke with my parents on March 15, 2020 around 3:30 am CST and everything looked good for their flights and they were happy (the downside of going through my current situation is I have difficulty getting to sleep and staying to sleep - the upside for the past week meant that I have been able to have more constant contact with my parents). </div>
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I went to sleep only to be woken up at 9:12 AM CST by a frantic FaceTime call from my parents said that they needed to get home as soon as possible and to try changing their flights. I picked up the phone and again waited on hold for 2 hours with Air Canada. I managed to speak with Simon who was an amazing rep who updated me through out the process. One of her problems was that she had to wait to speak to a specialty department about prices and the hold time for that area was 1 hour. 4 hours after the call started my parents and their friends were booked on a flight home to Canada leaving Lisbon flying through Music then Toronto and home. During that call we were offered flights that flew through the US and I didn't want have to deal with that so we flew them through Germany. </div>
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My parents had less than two days to pack up everything in the Apartment where they were staying, a process that usually takes about a week, get on a bus and make the three hour ride to Lisbon before staying the night at the Tryp Lisboa Aeroporto hotel. </div>
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March 16 and 17th consisted of worried FaceTime calls updating with how things were progressing in Portugal, how everyone was doing and how the other Canadians at the complex were handling things. </div>
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When they arrived at the hotel on the March 17th they met fellow Canadian travellers who were still struggling to get home. Some couples had purchased 3 or 4 different sets of tickets only to show up and find out the flight had been cancelled or they were denied Boarding because the flight had a stopover in the US and they were not US citizens. It has been a very long night and very concerning considering our Prime Minister Issued a statement today </div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: proxima-nova, Arial, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 18px; letter-spacing: 0.5100799798965454px; text-align: start;">“I think it’s just realistic to know that there are some of them that will not be coming home in the coming weeks, but we will make measures available through Global Affairs Canada,” Trudeau</span></blockquote>
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This is a very concerning statement to anyone with a loved one or family member that is overseas. Especially when many people are having to get on flights to fly to other major cities to get a flight to Canada and some have would up stuck in the lay over country when flights suddenly get cancelled. I have a significant understanding that this is an unprecedented time in our Country and World. However, to think that the government would abandon citizens at this time is disconcerting. I reached out to the Tryp Hotel and sent information I could and they hotel agreed to print out the information and pass it on to passengers. I heard from some of those passengers that the email was an automatic bounce back with no new information on how to help. Emails and phone calls to various numbers were not being returned and only greeted with automated messages and long hold times. </div>
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The last message I have from my dad was at 12:15 CST March 18, 2020 saying they are at the gate waiting for the plane. I have been watching the status of their flight from Lisbon to Munic and then waiting to see if the Munic flight to Toronto took off.</div>
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In this time I was contacted by a lovely couple from Halifax who are desperately trying to get home and were having no luck because of flights being cancelled. They originally had secured a flight to return home on March 19, 2020 (the very same flight my parents had left on today) but they could not check in. They sent me their information and I tried to figure out what was wrong only to find out that their flight was cancelled. I called Air Canada again and spent 2 hours on hold before reaching Prince. In their system everything was fine and they hadn't even found out yet that the flight had been cancelled, but he looked and confirmed. You could hear the stress in his voice - it was the last call of his shift and I cannot begin to imagine how difficult and long his and other shifts have been. We were able to secure the couple a flight home tomorrow through London and we are crossing our fingers for the next couple of hours that it does not get cancelled. </div>
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I am happy I was able to help this couple - extremely grateful but very disheartened at the same time. Many other people have been left in the same situation. Our Government should be doing more - including making agreements with the US to let our citizens transit through the country if it is a stop over. We are still allowing US citizens to fly into Canada and then home but stranding our own people because we cannot or have not taken the same action. We cannot let families be separated like this. For me it is now 7:28 AM CST and I haven't been to sleep in about 20 hours. I am going to sleep now with my phone on just in case another person has to reach out to me for help. I cannot do much to help them other than sit on hold and reach out to the airlines to help them but it is at least doing something while I wait for my parents to arrive home. </div>
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If COVID19 teaches us nothing use - it will teach us to be grateful - grateful for our families, our loved ones and the time we have together. I hope continues to remind us the need to help each other and act selflessly. </div>
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Cassandra LWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04920142032696011857noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7755746968145552657.post-79233996914476159562019-09-11T01:04:00.002-05:002019-09-11T01:31:46.799-05:00Saying goodbye...<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<a href="https://scontent.fyyc2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t31.0-8/20024204_760787854092_2292861881748365900_o.jpg?_nc_cat=106&_nc_oc=AQnJ4b8-f0hRE3TA3Usyzh3oW9ooVhL7aRI86g1GwS2dOFE3CYmmnX6n2vnh6xD7T1xhqPVXMeZF0BHROyuXUniE&_nc_ht=scontent.fyyc2-1.fna&oh=784cccabcce0e32b16124fbd3200deb9&oe=5DFA926F" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="533" data-original-width="800" height="213" src="https://scontent.fyyc2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t31.0-8/20024204_760787854092_2292861881748365900_o.jpg?_nc_cat=106&_nc_oc=AQnJ4b8-f0hRE3TA3Usyzh3oW9ooVhL7aRI86g1GwS2dOFE3CYmmnX6n2vnh6xD7T1xhqPVXMeZF0BHROyuXUniE&_nc_ht=scontent.fyyc2-1.fna&oh=784cccabcce0e32b16124fbd3200deb9&oe=5DFA926F" width="320" /></a><span style="text-align: start;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #181818;"><br /></span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="text-align: start;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #181818;">“To shine your brightest light is to be who you truly are.” </span></span><span style="text-align: start;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #181818;">― </span><span class="authorOrTitle" style="color: #333333; font-weight: bold;">Roy T. Bennett</span></span></span></blockquote>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1QWlcCK0HBE/XXiTn78YhII/AAAAAAAAKmE/VJU5J_wweJknaW0NoxLyRzcMgDjjoPLhACKgBGAsYHg/s1600/IMG_2396.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="960" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1QWlcCK0HBE/XXiTn78YhII/AAAAAAAAKmE/VJU5J_wweJknaW0NoxLyRzcMgDjjoPLhACKgBGAsYHg/s200/IMG_2396.JPG" width="150" /></a>I have always felt different and out of sorts in my life. As a child I swore for the longest time that I was adopted. I just felt out of place...I struggled and frankly still struggle to feel understood and accepted. I have also lived a lot of my life with regret and following someone else's rules. </div>
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My mom's extended family lives overseas in Netherlands and Belgium. I had a strained relationship with my maternal grandmother, Oma, to say the least. So when I was 12 and we visited Belgium and Netherlands to meet my mom's extended family and visit with them it was an amazing time. Some of the family would come to visit Canada and it was always special when they came and I was excited to grow up so I could visit overseas again. But that didn't happen for nearly 14 years because I followed someone else's rules. </div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mbTXH_PAaeE/XXiTn8PFLgI/AAAAAAAAKmE/no9LmCeu-gIVeMLJxNhaC2pCOgY0-wArgCKgBGAsYHg/s1600/IMG_2399.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="1280" height="150" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mbTXH_PAaeE/XXiTn8PFLgI/AAAAAAAAKmE/no9LmCeu-gIVeMLJxNhaC2pCOgY0-wArgCKgBGAsYHg/s200/IMG_2399.JPG" width="200" /></a>In 2013 I had been planning and contemplating a trip around the world by myself. However, fate intervened and I met my husband. as luck would have it he was planning a trip home to England to see his parents and daughters. We decided to change our plans slightly and spend a month in Europe visiting his family and mine. My family in Belgium and Netherlands made arrangements for us to come and stay with them and look after us while we were there. In Netherlands it was Annie and Frank who jumped at the opportunity for us to stay with them for most of the trip. My mom said we were one of the first ones from the family who were going to stay with Annie and Frank so I was excited and nervous. I remember the day we arrived at their house after the drive from Belgium. Annie had cooked an amazing supper for us and the family that drove us from Belgium. After supper and the other family left we sat in their living room just talking - I don't even remember entirely what we were talking about but I do remember the feeling that for the first time in a very long time I felt understood and accepted. I felt loved. Annie was like a second mom from that moment on. </div>
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<a href="https://scontent.fyyc2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/28168818_784382140952_1563834817787466558_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_oc=AQmmwzFc2JGvm8Noa8pv1uKLWMWVnAGNsNOCA8AsGQ-WKHD4FeUQV6pWlcJAYqH70Bf1E1nnLq8pCmRXtxNk4SXA&_nc_ht=scontent.fyyc2-1.fna&oh=1238d3c2db45cc5fae6e7f6c69b6af1a&oe=5E12B7D7" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="797" height="200" src="https://scontent.fyyc2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/28168818_784382140952_1563834817787466558_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_oc=AQmmwzFc2JGvm8Noa8pv1uKLWMWVnAGNsNOCA8AsGQ-WKHD4FeUQV6pWlcJAYqH70Bf1E1nnLq8pCmRXtxNk4SXA&_nc_ht=scontent.fyyc2-1.fna&oh=1238d3c2db45cc5fae6e7f6c69b6af1a&oe=5E12B7D7" width="198" /></a>When we made the decision to go back to England in 2017 we also took my daughter, the monkey. While planning the trip we had a large discussion about the plan and itinerary for the trip because there were so many things we wanted to do in such a short period of time. We ultimately made the decision that Monkey and I would travel to Netherlands and Belgium and the husband would stay at home to visit with his family. Again we were fortunate enough to be able to stay with Annie and Frank and it was like being home again. Louise and Richard feel like a brother and sister to me. Our time with them was some of the best parts of our trip as we just were at home with them. We visited the market, Annie would cook of course and we would eat and play games. If you have ever been on a long trip away from your home - especially one with lots of unexpected adventures - you know how wonderful it came be to come home to your own home and bed. That's what it was like arriving at Annie and Franks I was home again.<br />
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Unfortunately, we got news last year that Annie was sick - she had cancer - pancreatic cancer. Annie fought long and hard over the last 18 months and at the start of the summer we were told it could be any day but she fought and enjoyed the summer with her family, children and grandchildren. Unfortunately we got a call last night from the family to let us know that she wasn't doing well and they were expecting her to pass at any time. We were able to video chat with Frank and say our goodbyes to Annie and as Frank said she was stubborn until the end. </div>
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Annie - I love you more than words can say and I will carry the memories of our time together, that was too short, for the rest of my life. You will always be an inspiration in my life.</div>
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Frank, Louise, Jowie, Richard, Chloe and Sam - I love you all more than words could say and I would give anything to be there with you right now. My heart breaks for you. The sky is a little brighter now that she is among the stars.</div>
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Cassandra LWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04920142032696011857noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7755746968145552657.post-35515934504063295152019-08-31T02:04:00.001-05:002019-08-31T02:05:01.783-05:00Getting to the Lake - one sunflower seed at a time <table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">East Blue Lake</td></tr>
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So as I said the monkey and I headed out to Child's Lake in the Duck Mountain Provincial Park - and let me say if you are in Canada (or anywhere else for that matter) and are looking for some paradise you must Duck Mountain Provincial Park it is truly magical!</div>
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The drive out to the lake was interesting to say the least. I have been dreading the drive and almost cancelled the trip because of the seemingly daunting task of driving out to the Park (it's about a 5 to 6 hour drive depending on the number of stops you make along the way and the route you take). Normally I would say it would have taken closer to 8 hours to drive there because we would normally stop at some of the abandoned houses and farms and take pictures but with the husband missing out on the trip and my anxiety I just wanted to get the trip over with.</div>
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Now - I should clarify that the thought of long drives normally wouldn't bother me - I have been going on road trips since I was a little kid; however, I am normally a passenger and I'm either able to listen to music, watch a movie or... let's be real sleep during the drive. On longer drives (12+ hours I have done the driving) and I have driven to Victoria, BC just myself and monkey at 18 months old but this was different and I couldn't explain why. The people I travel for work with even make fun of the fact that I will sleep on the road even though it is only a 2 hour highway drive....</div>
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<a href="https://scontent.fyyc2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/69604280_831438918792_1981116401867292672_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&_nc_oc=AQkJ5oX2EW0ZtGkDHoacN9M37ADqbG6G2RKifmQcHLCokvc8UDdx-hY_LSTi-7N2dwRgjalq1lKEZA67PU6_8owl&_nc_ht=scontent.fyyc2-1.fna&oh=500f5bacfd097daf99a4c98ce8a44052&oe=5E09C829" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="600" height="200" src="https://scontent.fyyc2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/69604280_831438918792_1981116401867292672_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&_nc_oc=AQkJ5oX2EW0ZtGkDHoacN9M37ADqbG6G2RKifmQcHLCokvc8UDdx-hY_LSTi-7N2dwRgjalq1lKEZA67PU6_8owl&_nc_ht=scontent.fyyc2-1.fna&oh=500f5bacfd097daf99a4c98ce8a44052&oe=5E09C829" width="150" /></a>Anyways - in preparation for the drive I spent nearly three hours just looking at google maps and investigating all of the different routes and options for getting to Child's Lake considering which was the best entrance to the park, how much gravel road I had to travel on etc. so when we started the drive I didn't have a set plan in mind and figured I would see how it went. I got to Neepawa which is about a 2 hour drive and I was a complete bundle of nerves. I finally had to stop at a gas station, get out and try to calm myself a little. Monkey obviously knew that something was up so I told her that I was having anxiety on the drive - I didn't really talk to her about why I was anxious but being the wonderful kid she was she asked what I needed and suggested we "watch" a movie - meaning we play a movie on my phone she could watch and I could listen to. I thought it was a great idea. We stopped into the Co-op grabbed a drink and some sunflower seeds (and when someone suggests you should get the extra bag because it's only $0.75 more for two bags you really should listen). We spent the rest of the drive listening to Harry Potter Movies and talking about our previous trips, different Harry Potter movies and eating sunflower seeds. It was exactly the distraction from the thoughts in my head that I needed. </div>
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<a href="https://scontent.fyyc2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/69360031_831439133362_9027352022977871872_n.jpg?_nc_cat=100&_nc_oc=AQmhJUPG-gTMr5M11eWUe-ln1xWXZzRGfcpI-u7KN4AHF6kPziVqJPKxbsaedTqOg5tTQkkh82UUZlH8KYfdUcjI&_nc_ht=scontent.fyyc2-1.fna&oh=9b5b133cd3ac6e4eca9c3ce3730787ba&oe=5E106C89" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="600" height="200" src="https://scontent.fyyc2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/69360031_831439133362_9027352022977871872_n.jpg?_nc_cat=100&_nc_oc=AQmhJUPG-gTMr5M11eWUe-ln1xWXZzRGfcpI-u7KN4AHF6kPziVqJPKxbsaedTqOg5tTQkkh82UUZlH8KYfdUcjI&_nc_ht=scontent.fyyc2-1.fna&oh=9b5b133cd3ac6e4eca9c3ce3730787ba&oe=5E106C89" width="150" /></a>A real turning point came when we got to Russell, Manitoba. I love this little town and we drove into it almost every day last year during our camping trip up to Assessippi. It was a calming type experience because I knew once we made it here we were almost up to Child's Lake and that I had come very close to ... not over coming my fear and anxiety but not letting it stop me in this instance. Monkey and I saw a sign at the gas station about Arthur, the local bull statue and the stuff version of him. We stopped in and got one because ... well we hate having our picture taken especially on a camping trip, especially where the plan likely does not involve washing our hair for a period of time - the perfect solution? Stuff animal stand ins! So Arthur joined the family and was included in some of our pictures. We got to the lake about an hour later and once we had unloaded and I took a minute to look at the view - I knew that all of the anxiety and freaking out in the weeks leading up to the trip and during the drive were worth it. Little did I know how transformative of a week the trip would be for me starting just the next day on the<span style="font-family: inherit;"> Copernicus Hill Hiking Trail and Look Out.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">For now - here was the view from the deck, and the Hammock set up along the tree line: </span></div>
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Cassandra LWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04920142032696011857noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7755746968145552657.post-46136364289911926172019-08-27T01:39:00.000-05:002019-08-27T01:39:08.056-05:00Simplicity - maybe?<div class="MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<a href="https://scontent.fyyc2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/69456896_831352516942_5563155947485921280_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_oc=AQmhCuN_IXYhh6bSF3f4FOqj9vcYR5wkVDG9Sw4lI7ta6AUrztmS3LRVtZDgHvdGqWdnRTJpMwSJ8vnTAGSQEaP3&_nc_ht=scontent.fyyc2-1.fna&oh=2d790c30e8f30f64481c1c40c26ae3f8&oe=5E09A1AB" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="533" height="400" src="https://scontent.fyyc2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/69456896_831352516942_5563155947485921280_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_oc=AQmhCuN_IXYhh6bSF3f4FOqj9vcYR5wkVDG9Sw4lI7ta6AUrztmS3LRVtZDgHvdGqWdnRTJpMwSJ8vnTAGSQEaP3&_nc_ht=scontent.fyyc2-1.fna&oh=2d790c30e8f30f64481c1c40c26ae3f8&oe=5E09A1AB" width="266" /></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">So I have been struggling for a long time with Anxiety and depression. I am also fairly sure it is safe to say PTSD but I haven’t been “officially” diagnosed (meaning that everyone who is working with me believes that is what we are dealing with but … I digress). I don’t know how long I have been struggling with my mental health but I have been doing a lot more reading lately and I am fairly certain that it is has been a lot longer than I actually realize. Best analogy I have is to relate this to our puppy. I am with our puppy, Halley, every single day and time goes by and you look back on a picture and you go “Wow she’s grown” where someone like my parents don’t see her every day will suddenly say “Wow she’s twice her size, she’s grown so much” and I’m sitting there going “Nah she’s the same size as when we got her…” (actual conversation happened). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">As we (me and my developing mental health team) start to wade through the very top layers of what is going on – it is almost like we are just skimming the top of the soup right now… it is interesting as we talk to look back and realize the symptoms or holds that anxiety had on me that I never grasped. There was this meme I saw the other day someone posted from Twitter<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">“Anxiety: I don’t want to eat anything<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Me: let’s at least eat a bit of dinner.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Stomach: Ok, folks. Good Job! I’m getting pretty full now, though.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">PMS: Hello Friends I’m here whats up<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Anxiety: *sigh* I’ll go get the ice cream<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">PMS: Guys smash a chocolate bar over that shit”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I don’t know why by that meme spoke so much to me. When it comes to food sometimes in my head the conversation will be overwhelming. I have such a complicated history with food yet it has been such a passion for me. In the last year I have been working on my food journey in search of answers to the following basic questions:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">These are such simple questions but the answer are so incredibly complicated and intertwined with my issues that we are working through. So what does this have to do with simplicity? I am not known for doing simple things – I actual find simple very hard to do especially when it comes to food lately. My thoughts will race through a million possibilities of like: things I can make; things I have read up on by haven’t made yet; things I want to learn to make but haven’t studied yet; and things that I have somewhat heard one time but I have no idea what it really is and I could learn more about. Like if we are going to have chicken and potatoes it won’t just been chicken and potatoes – it will be a three-hour journey to learn about the history and different methods for making potato pancakes because my husband once said he would like to have some. For the chicken, it won’t just be a simple chicken breast – I will research different breading, seasoning and cooking techniques to find something that is interesting and write down various versions of recipes in my book until I have some smattering of an idea of how I want to combine the different techniques. Then because you have to have some sort of sauce I will research different ways to make aioli’s until I find a lemon garlic aioli recipe I like before I start cooking. I often fail at simplicity but yet at the same time I can master simplicity in certain situations. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">My daughter and I headed up camping to Child’s Lake Yurts in the Duck Mountain Provincial Park for a week – just the two of us as husband couldn’t get time off work and bringing the puppy gave me too much anxiety. My parents were also up here staying at Wellman Lake so they are close by to lend a hand if (more when) I need it. But camping definitely forces you to go simple and back to basics. We have to boil water to wash dishes which means the less dishes the better. We have to keep the food in coolers with ice which is a 30-minute drive away to get 1 bag for… way too much money for frozen water. Lastly, I love camp fires so cooking over a camp fire is such an amazing experience. Planning the cooking for the week was an exercise in planning and preparing for simplicity. The menu:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">All cooked over the campfire (or in the coals for the potatoes) using cast iron pans. We also pack some mushrooms, onions and ramen in case we get a rainy day. So here is to keeping it simple. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
Cassandra LWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04920142032696011857noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7755746968145552657.post-22210506959227086262019-07-25T04:35:00.000-05:002019-07-25T04:39:05.108-05:00Opening up...<div style="text-align: justify;">
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ILi3LLt75S8/XTl4Xt3vxMI/AAAAAAAAKdU/Qo9yd-GDtYYLMddOAM5h8F3PCuKuHScVgCLcBGAs/s1600/67611096_828036312642_3084047600999989248_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="770" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ILi3LLt75S8/XTl4Xt3vxMI/AAAAAAAAKdU/Qo9yd-GDtYYLMddOAM5h8F3PCuKuHScVgCLcBGAs/s320/67611096_828036312642_3084047600999989248_n.jpg" width="256" /></a></div>
What started it all? I don't know but here I am and there are so many thoughts running through my heads at all times and I''m just trying to sort some of them out. So let's start with where I currently am - sitting at my dining room table which is covered now in painting supplies, paint, and a mix of baking and cooking items. Under the table there is a puppy gently licking my toes - upstairs my husband is sleeping. He will be up in the next hour or two to get ready to work and here I sit completely awake and unable to sleep. It is 4:07 am and I'm completely awake. I am here in depression and anxiety-ville looking onto the PTSD ocean. </div>
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I am seeing a counsellor and doctor, I'm going through the process of finding a long term support system and proper medication to help me and the words that keep cycling through my head are trauma - my counsellor likes to refer to my past generally as the trauma I have been through and there has been a bit of it and I'm not in a situation or place to currently delve into my past trauma right now. As counsellor says I'm working on my baby steps of basic survival, he says that there are four parts to human life: sleep, eating, social interaction and exercise. We are currently working on the first two - sleep and eating. Sleep has been an interesting experience - I have switched from sleeping a total of 18 hours in a week to now being able to get a total of between 6 to 12 hours in a day but definitely not at normal times and not continuous. I'm not so much worried about this right now (or let's not kid anyone I'm trying not to worry about it because the more I stress about it the worse time I have trying to sleep.) This bring me back to food.</div>
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I have an interesting and dynamic relationship with food and right now the thing that keeps circling in my head centres from my for journey and trying to figure out who I am. in watching a lot of my favourite cooking shows the chefs and cooks talk about cooking and the inspiration they had as a child, the food that they had cooked for them while they were growing up. I have circled over this question of my cooking roots for many months trying to figure out my future cooking path and processing and understanding the passing of my last grandparent, Memere who I desperately wish I had more time with. </div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-foIoRcnp_3g/XTl4Y7PGSVI/AAAAAAAAKdY/x0L-XFUvavMR6IbuS5_qJ4laPmt0vSTngCLcBGAs/s1600/67638032_828036272722_2728648622148157440_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="768" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-foIoRcnp_3g/XTl4Y7PGSVI/AAAAAAAAKdY/x0L-XFUvavMR6IbuS5_qJ4laPmt0vSTngCLcBGAs/s320/67638032_828036272722_2728648622148157440_n.jpg" width="256" /></a>I have been trying to figure it out but honestly I draw a blank on a lot of my youth, I think a large part in thanks to the trauma. This has lead to to a difficult situation for me. Food has been such a relaxing, calming and integral part of my life for oh gosh at least the past decade (or two... I feel old now). There is so much I want to explore and experience when it comes to food but I feel such a need go back and understand my roots with food. Food has now become an overwhelming experience - so many things I want to try, experience, cook and bake and I get overwhelmed. When I try to calm myself and go back to my roots I get lost and overwhelmed. I sometimes feel like a failure because making a simple grilled cheese sandwich is the most I can muster while other nights I make beignets, because it is something that I have wanted to try since seeing the movie Chef (and more so since watching the Chef Show on Netflix). </div>
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So where does this leave me? right now covered in paint (never really been artistic but I'm inspired by my daughter) contemplating when I will get to make the Lemon Meringue pie I have wanted since I bought Myer lemons more than a few days ago and thinking that I really should be going to sleep.<br />
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Cassandra LWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04920142032696011857noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7755746968145552657.post-24110864140228859702019-05-23T12:01:00.001-05:002019-05-23T12:24:23.130-05:00Climbing Everest - or just surviving life<div style="text-align: justify;">
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Pcqb3WkEfYg/XObKGHUbXKI/AAAAAAAAKRk/WxcaCqhRvYYyC5_bashvVjnpUsqU6KkfwCLcBGAs/s1600/RCQV3268.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1440" data-original-width="1440" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Pcqb3WkEfYg/XObKGHUbXKI/AAAAAAAAKRk/WxcaCqhRvYYyC5_bashvVjnpUsqU6KkfwCLcBGAs/s200/RCQV3268.JPG" width="200" /></a>So this morning on the way to work I was listening to CBC Radio about a Manitoba Teacher that just returned from climbing mount Everest. (<a href="https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/manitoba/manitoba-teacher-climbs-everest-1.5146333" target="_blank">News Story Here</a>) and something about this story hit me profoundly and it has been something I have been frankly struggling with lately. I would expect the feeling of finally reaching the top of Everest to bring this immense sense of achievement and to be standing literally on top of the world that you would want to take time and savour the experience (as much as you can at some of the coldest temperatures and in a low oxygen situation) but when asked what it was like to be at the top Dalip Shekhawat said: </div>
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"I didn't see what was around — just to reach the top and when I get back, I'll see what was there," he said.</div>
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"Not enjoying, actually; just to reach the top, to make sure that I'm safe and secure."</div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SSfMy0eLrDI/XObKGF5to5I/AAAAAAAAKRg/kuI1QgkAyLgiKBs-lZNhzvZwjILCfg0rQCLcBGAs/s1600/WUTV7016.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1440" data-original-width="1440" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SSfMy0eLrDI/XObKGF5to5I/AAAAAAAAKRg/kuI1QgkAyLgiKBs-lZNhzvZwjILCfg0rQCLcBGAs/s200/WUTV7016.JPG" width="200" /></a>As I have said before my husband has been struggling with mental health and has been off work since early October. From October to even the end of April life has consisted of putting my head down and getting through it. Life hasn't been about going out and doing things or enjoying things with family. It has been worrying about bills being paid, insurance claims, doctors appointments, specialist visits, dealing with work, family and all the other commitments in life. If you know me at all you know that cooking and exploring food is a passion of mine but cooking for last while has been about surviving rather than anything else. </div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zPF9tWyCgEE/XObKGEikliI/AAAAAAAAKRc/6MEKF2inEkADK3fz7KOoe-rYpEocd14VQCLcBGAs/s1600/XINK5096.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1440" data-original-width="1440" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zPF9tWyCgEE/XObKGEikliI/AAAAAAAAKRc/6MEKF2inEkADK3fz7KOoe-rYpEocd14VQCLcBGAs/s200/XINK5096.JPG" width="200" /></a>At the family gathering after my grandmother's funeral my cousins (love you guys!) asked if I was happy and how I was doing and if I was happy. Frankly in the last couple of months overall have there been happy moments - yes - but have I been happy? No, I have been personally struggling and depressed. Living with someone who has a mental illness is hard and I am going to say especially when they have finally hit their rock bottom it takes a lot and there have been times where I just didn't want to do it anymore not because I didn't love my husband - but because I didn't have anymore of me to give. I pushed myself because in times where the love is hard to see I hoped it was still there. I also thought about the times where I have struggled and didn't have support. I wouldn't want someone to leave me or give up on me just because I was at my bottom and needed help. Now I can say that I am starting to see my the man I married, my husband again and it's like I can start to breath again. </div>
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This and the journey that auditioning for MasterChef Canada has sent me on has made me start to think about me - who I am, where I have been, the life I have lead to this point and has lead me that I need a constant reminder that I need to remember who I am - so much so I got a new tattoo on my arm. I am starting down the path *again* of remember who I am, where I have come from and where I am going. One of the things I need to remember is that I don't want to just come back from the top and see what was there after - I want to look at the view as I am climbing and take some time when I get to my top and be happy to reflect on the path and journey I have taken. </div>
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- Life has to be more than just running a marathon. </div>
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Cassandra LWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04920142032696011857noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7755746968145552657.post-63150975978052765052019-05-03T16:10:00.000-05:002019-05-24T16:18:50.631-05:00Failing and making mistakes<div style="text-align: justify;">
It sucks to be in a position where you feel like you are failing in life at all things you are working on but moreover to feel like you are failing your family and in my case my daughter - the stress of that is unspeakable. I has left me feeling completely overwhelmed and lost in who I am. I have been swallowed by the mere concept of just trying to survive and make it to the next moment where I can breath. It is like being swallowed up in the ocean trying to grasp for air between the breaking waves. </div>
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"You said 'we make it through things well together.'.. that doesn't sound very fun, you don't want to look back on your life and say 'I made it through my life' we want to enjoy our projects, enjoy our workweek, we want to enjoy our lives, celebrate our lives..." - Couples Retreat Bulldozing Session</blockquote>
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Like I said in my last post there have been the these moments - moments of clarity and brightness in amongst the crashing waves that have pushed me to some realizations in life. It is these moments of sunlight that I have been trying to hold on.<br />
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Some of the best moments I have had in the past while centre around two things: my monkey and the newest addition to the family Halley S. Commet (our dog). I try to be very mindful of the experience and example that I am setting for my daughter. I try to be mindful of making sure that she is protected from things that could harm her but also making sure that she can see what is like to be an adult without overwhelming her. This means that I talk with her and I try to be open and honest with her about what is going on without putting too much on her shoulders. Some of the best times I have with my daughters are driving in the car - this where we often have our deepest conversations and our loudest sing along. One of the best things that we do is put on one of "our songs" in the morning on the way to wherever and sing at the top of our lungs. We have special songs with special meanings and one of the ones that has always been important to us is Life of the Party by Shaw Mendes</div>
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"We don't have to be ordinary make your best mistakes" </div>
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... the realization that I keep front of mind:<br />
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<li>I don't need to be "ordinary" - following the 'rules' and expectations of others has often lead me down a path that has lead me to places I didn't want to be</li>
<li>I have learned more from my mistakes and failures that I have from my successes. </li>
<li>most valuable and simplest thing I ever learned in law school but the hardest to follow the K.I.S.S principle - Keep it Simple Stupid. </li>
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<img height="77" src="https://img1.blogblog.com/img/video_object.png" style="left: 332px; opacity: 0.3; position: absolute; top: 512px;" width="96" />Cassandra LWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04920142032696011857noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7755746968145552657.post-58671346374115194912019-04-08T22:34:00.000-05:002019-04-08T22:34:03.534-05:00Since Mid-January <div style="text-align: justify;">
Sometimes it takes a lot of little things to make you realize something very huge in your life. I have a number of those little things add up to a large realization just yesterday evening. </div>
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It has been since mid-January since I last post and honestly it feels like this is the first time I am coming up for air since that time. It has felt like the last few months have been about keeping my head down and moving through one major event onto the next major event with the scenes from Finding Nemo going through my head of "just keep swimming just keep swimming."</div>
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This all started in October when Husband went off work. My first reaction internally was sheer panic - how are we going to manage how are things going to work. He had some sick time (about a month) but honestly at that point I already had a pretty good feeling this would be something longer. Plus there was a realization that Husband was to have surgery that was also going to need a month post-op recovery before he could be back to work. Read absolute panic but I had to put those feelings aside and deal with the practicalities of getting him sorted out with doctors, dealing with his union, work, insurance claims, medical forms. I knew he needed help and I needed help to support him so I called his parents - that brought us to Mid-January were it felt like things were starting to be a mucked-up level of ok-ness - I knew that things were going to take a while to figure out but at least the uncertainty was a known quantity if that made sense. </div>
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-v8QubwXJ0XA/XKvTu9EZvxI/AAAAAAAAKOA/9yn6obRLR2gVBdP71sL3tZAS2ggednJUQCLcBGAs/s1600/CCI31012019.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="571" data-original-width="458" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-v8QubwXJ0XA/XKvTu9EZvxI/AAAAAAAAKOA/9yn6obRLR2gVBdP71sL3tZAS2ggednJUQCLcBGAs/s320/CCI31012019.jpeg" width="256" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lucille Loiselle<br />
1924 - 2019</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I was getting ready to leave for a short night trip when I got a call from my Mom saying I needed to come get them that minute as they got a call that my grandmother wasn't doing well. We rushed to see her and she was sitting there perfectly fine and very confused about why we had rushed to see her but she said she was ready. So I went on a work trip out of town for just two nights away - it was the first time I was leaving husband since he went off work and I was concerned and worried about how he would do - but I had a plan in place and I was confident in that plan. Snap to the second night of the trip I get back to the hotel from supper and the pain set in - sheer agony. I ended up in the hospital and had to call a co-worker in the middle of the night to come out to finish the work trip and bring the husband to drive me home. Less than two days after getting back from the work trip we got another urgent call from my mom again that they needed a ride to see my Memere and this time I knew it would be different. </div>
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I picked up my parents and off we went - I dropped them and husband off at the front door and found a place to park. I knew - I knew before we left the house, before we got to the home where she had been living, before I got off the elevator that she had gone. She had said less than a week before she was ready and it was her time. It's funny the things you remember about a person but from her I remember her determination and strength. When something was to be done it was done so when she said she was ready and it was her time I knew that she would have her way. (I also remember having Christmas presents wrapped up inside old milk cartons; her kitchen; learning to eat tomatoes just like apples; being in the garden at the farm). We set about the business of calling and notifying family, packing her possessions. Much like when my other grandparents passed I focused on putting my head down and getting through the things that needed to be done.</div>
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Before you knew it January was over and we were into February which brings us into the months of Birthdays. First badly planning my daughter's 13th birthday. Ok - well I feel bad but apparently they kids thought it was a hit - but on my end I felt like a failure because I was emailing or texting parents literally days before the date to say please let your kid come so I don't feel like a failure. The monkey the effervescent creature she is never blinked an eye and had no doubt that her party would be amazing - I still feel like a crappy mom. </div>
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This was all while helping plan and execute my Dad's surprise 65th Birthday (which of course means getting to make fantastic cupcakes - Dark Chocolate Raspberry; Lemon meringue Pie and a GF Spice cake with cream cheese frosting). The party was held on my husband's birthday as the decoy for what was actually going on. </div>
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All of this is going on while I am under significant pressure at work and we are still working through the process of husband going through sick leave, short term disability, long term disability and insurance claims. He has had doctors appointments every two weeks on top of counsellor appointments and specialist appointments. He has been in such a bad spot that to say it was like having another child in the house is accurate. I had to ensure that he was eating, taking his medication, changing his clothes, showering and taking basic care of himself. </div>
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Unfortunately this meant that in the shuffle I literally had to run to the store with the husband and monkey in tow to buy husband's birthday card because I had forgotten - it is hard to know and feel like you have failed your family because you are so terribly overwhelmed that you have forgotten to get our husband and daughter birthday cards. Their presents were handled with them in tow as well and I still feel like crap over it (I still have my Mom's birthday present from January 1st at home to give her... sorry Mom) </div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xbvUuwgB9DY/XKvW-LnvGNI/AAAAAAAAKOM/_Re3rTYkaUYG1Mr6gYpLl8QyQP7jhvyggCLcBGAs/s1600/Halley.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="754" data-original-width="754" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xbvUuwgB9DY/XKvW-LnvGNI/AAAAAAAAKOM/_Re3rTYkaUYG1Mr6gYpLl8QyQP7jhvyggCLcBGAs/s320/Halley.jpeg" width="320" /></a>On the way home from buying a birthday card for my husband we decided to stop for fun to see the animals at the Winnipeg Humane Society - never really thinking that we would actually find one, fall in love and adopt. nevertheless that is exactly what happened - we went into just look at two dogs that were cute but we weren't set on when a worker walks by holding this wiggling pile of fur! That was it we were done for. When I heard her story I was heart broken but also felt an instant connection. She had been adopted out several weeks before by a couple who had had another dog and they returned her that very day, the day we happened to randomly go in, because they were moving and couldn't keep *her* anymore. She had been rejected and returned. </div>
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To say that she saved my husband is a complete and total understatement. It would be like saying that the universe isn't really that much bigger than Winnipeg. The change in him has been significant. I still find myself completely overwhelmed though with my commitments and I often have felt like I am failing at everything that I am doing. Between feeling like a failure at work, trying to not let anything else fall between the cracks at home, and my other personal commitments where I likewise feel like I am feeling it has been a hard run and I am facing at least another month of of the same feeling that "this month is just a marathon - I just have to get to the end of the month" </div>
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this has lead me to have a number of thoughts and a major realization this week - but more on that tomorrow - for now a few cute puppy pictures. </div>
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Cassandra LWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04920142032696011857noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7755746968145552657.post-74143537331380323352019-01-15T12:44:00.002-06:002019-01-15T12:49:34.531-06:00SurvivingIt is a New Year and it seems that my word of the day for the past while has been "surviving."<br />
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survive</h1>
<a class="css-1xtjzhl e16svm7n1" data-linkid="oowy0r" href="https://www.thesaurus.com/browse/surviving" target="_blank"><span style="color: #f5a623;">See more synonyms for <span class="css-1msjh1x e16svm7n2"><em>survive</em></span></span><span style="color: #f5a623;"> on Thesaurus.com</span></a><br />
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<header class="css-1y60q53 e1hk9ate1"><span class="css-1pomevn e1hk9ate2"><span class="luna-pos"><span style="font-size: large;">verb (used without object),</span></span></span><span class="css-9yfv62 e1hk9ate3"> <span class="luna-inflected-form bold"><strong>sur·vived,</strong></span> <span class="luna-inflected-form bold"><strong>sur·viv·ing.</strong></span></span></header><br />
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<li class="css-2oywg7 e1q3nk1v3" value="1"><span class="one-click-content css-14ljr8w e1q3nk1v4">to <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="remain"> remain </span> <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="alive"> alive </span> <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="after"> after </span> <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="the"> the </span> <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="death"> death </span> of <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="someone"> someone, </span> <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="the"> the </span> <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="cessation"> cessation </span> of <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="something"> something, </span> or <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="the"> the </span> <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="occurrence"> occurrence </span> of <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="some"> some </span> <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="event"> event; </span> <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="continue"> continue </span> to <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="live"> live: </span> <span class="luna-example italic"><span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="few"> Few </span> <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="survived"> survived </span> <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="after"> after </span> <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="the"> the </span> <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="holocaust"> holocaust. </span></span></span></li>
<li class="css-2oywg7 e1q3nk1v3" value="2"><span class="one-click-content css-14ljr8w e1q3nk1v4">to <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="remain"> remain </span> or <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="continue"> continue </span> in <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="existence"> existence </span> or <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="use"> use: </span> <span class="luna-example italic"><span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="ancient"> Ancient </span> <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="farming"> farming </span> <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="methods"> methods </span> <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="still"> still </span> <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="survive"> survive </span> in <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="the"> the </span> <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="middle"> Middle </span> <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="east"> East. </span></span></span></li>
<li class="css-2oywg7 e1q3nk1v3" value="3"><span class="one-click-content css-14ljr8w e1q3nk1v4">to <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="get"> get </span> <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="along"> along </span> or <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="remain"> remain </span> <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="healthy"> healthy, </span> <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="happy"> happy, </span> <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="and"> and </span> <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="unaffected"> unaffected </span> in <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="spite"> spite </span> of <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="some"> some </span> <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="occurrence"> occurrence: </span> <span class="luna-example italic"><span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="shes"> She's </span> <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="surviving"> surviving </span> <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="after"> after </span> <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="the"> the </span> <span class="one-click" data-linkid="nn1ov4" data-term="divorce"> divorce. </span></span></span></li>
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This has been a pretty apt description for my life over the past couple of months. In September it was a really exciting time for me - I got to audition for MasterChef Canada - such an amazing and wonderful experience with truly amazing people! (I will have to write about that later). </div>
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Things seems to be moving in a generally positive direction for me. However, my husband had been struggling for a while and then finally at the start of October he couldn't keep going the way he was and he had a break down at work. He has been off work since the start of October as a result of a major depressive episode and anxiety. I can't tell you what it does when you realize that the person you love, the other half of you is far worse than you imagined.</div>
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I got a text one day at work simply saying:<br />
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"Just so you don't panic or get annoyed. I am at home. Went off sick. I have an appointment with Dr. F tomorrow." </blockquote>
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Now for context my husband works split shifts and sometimes when I don't here from him in the afternoon but see he is still at home I get panicked that he slept and missed his second shift. Alternatively, I get busy at work and because he finished later than me I will stay at work later and then go to pick him up only to find out he was home early and I could have left work. <br />
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But this is odd it's different why would he have made an appointment and for the next day, something must be really wrong especially because he was waiting for a surgery date. So you call worried and upset to find out why he went home and what happened. <br />
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The next few weeks of my life became about learning all I could about insurance claims; EI Sickness benefits; short-term disability; long-term disability; ISO hearings and rearranging life. We asked to move up his surgery in hopes that it wouldn't prolong he has been off work if things 'magically' got better overnight (they didn't). <br />
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So much of our life got flipped on its head. This time has been about making it just to the next day, solving one issue only to move on to another issue. Learning that its ok to need help and like a lot of help. Learning that it is ok for me also to not be ok to be struggling with everything. <br />
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There have been a few people who have reached out and been offering support and I am truly grateful and blessed to have these people in my life - they have done more for me than they will ever know.<br />
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So far up to now life has been about surviving and making the next step. Through all of this one song has spoke to me and has been a beacon. I have been trying to write this post for a while now. The next post will be about my view and outlook for the New Year.<br />
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Cassandra LWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04920142032696011857noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7755746968145552657.post-17496931658404418872018-10-08T15:24:00.001-05:002018-10-08T15:24:32.648-05:00Thanksgiving<div style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VHjPPtPQ1Ic/W7u8xylKfhI/AAAAAAAAJ6s/C_xRybfvDDo3M6mfAwR39p47ZdhrS-MRACLcBGAs/s1600/14238239_719781805542_5961857337048351327_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="960" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VHjPPtPQ1Ic/W7u8xylKfhI/AAAAAAAAJ6s/C_xRybfvDDo3M6mfAwR39p47ZdhrS-MRACLcBGAs/s320/14238239_719781805542_5961857337048351327_n.jpg" width="320" /></a>It is amazing how quickly time flies. It was just last week that I was having a discussion with my husband and I utter the phrase "But it's September" to which he responded "It's October"....I wanted to argue the point but it dawned on me that he was right - it is in fact October and Thanksgiving was comping up next week. Yet, here I am feeling like that was yesterday and it's thanksgiving today. </div>
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It has been a hectic, weird time for us and this morning I got a little message via Facebook </div>
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Happy Thanksgiving to you all!!</blockquote>
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Just a little message from someone who has been a teacher, mentor, friend and confidant for years - has put up with me as a teenager and supported me through all things in life. Someone who instantly said "do you need to talk" when I said I'm going through a tough time and I know no matter what will be there if I say I need to talk. I am thankful for her being in my life.</div>
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I am thankful for all of the people family and basically family that I get to count to be a part of my life. Who lends support, hugs, heart and whatever is needed.</div>
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I am thankful for my parents who support me and my family in whatever we need to do. Who are always more than willing to eat my cooking. The sacrifices they have made for me and the help they continue to provide is overwhelming at times. </div>
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I am thankful for in-laws who have provided love, guidance and support to my husband and welcomed me into their life. I am thankful for a mother-in-law who still loves me no matter what and a father-in-law who is always there with his gentled guidance and words of wisdom. </div>
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I am thankful for an amazing daughter who is truly beyond words. I am so immensely proud of her and who she is becoming. She has spent this long weekend doing school work, helping clean the house and baking without needing to demand it of her - she just does it. She even has done her own laundry (all 3 loads) (did I mention she is 12?!) I can't imagine what the future will bring to her as such a young, bride and amazing kid. </div>
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I am thankful for a husband who loves me - all of me - I don't know what more I can say than that's amazing to know. I am thankful to have him in my life. </div>
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Cassandra LWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04920142032696011857noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7755746968145552657.post-42055962612279206692018-09-16T15:51:00.002-05:002018-09-16T15:51:49.429-05:00Heading into the Fall<div style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8cnjVJ_97yI/W57BwoALMMI/AAAAAAAAJ5Q/3NkprAIu4dU9VTi-GsRIrI3z7pJbD_GQACLcBGAs/s1600/40298068_800920453042_729327490295660544_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="960" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8cnjVJ_97yI/W57BwoALMMI/AAAAAAAAJ5Q/3NkprAIu4dU9VTi-GsRIrI3z7pJbD_GQACLcBGAs/s200/40298068_800920453042_729327490295660544_n.jpg" width="200" /></a>I cannot believe we are already into September and as I type that I realize that we are more than halfway through the month. We took some time at the end of August and had a week long vacation exploring part of Western Manitoba staying in Yurts at Asessippi Provincial Park. I have to say the experience was amazing and we have already made plans to go back to a Yurt at Childs Lake next summer. The ability to go back to basics and cook over a camp fire every night was inspiring. I will be writing more later on my campfire cooking but there is a magic derived from cooking over an open wood burning fire that can't be described! </div>
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Time is just flying by. My daughter asked my what my favourite time of year was and I said I don't really have one. Each time or season has different things that I look forward to each year. I</div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-x-2zua6UUUU/W57BwhEEZyI/AAAAAAAAJ5M/r1EWK-k5ysshcVQt474VRDv2qr1k0_52QCLcBGAs/s1600/40215536_800884070952_4556786535269138432_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="960" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-x-2zua6UUUU/W57BwhEEZyI/AAAAAAAAJ5M/r1EWK-k5ysshcVQt474VRDv2qr1k0_52QCLcBGAs/s200/40215536_800884070952_4556786535269138432_n.jpg" width="200" /></a>In Spring I love the rebirth, the warmth, colours and smells of spring. I love seeing the earth and people wake up from under a blanket of snow. Summer is about amazing sunsets, campfires, spending time with family and friends at the lake. There is an enjoyment because the days are long and last well into the night. Everyone seems more relaxed and there is a sense of care free and return to childhood. Fall is about an amazing transformation of colours everywhere, warmth even on cold days. I love the last bit of summer we get in the end of September where temperatures are warm during the day and cool in the evening so you look for comforting things. There is a return to soups, stews and filling, warm and comforting food. There is also the abundance of crops that come in at this time of year - tomatoes, pumpkins, apples all that give you a nice hug. Winter has the amazingness of snow the ability for the entire world to sparkle after a fresh blanket of snow. There is the time around Christmas and New Years where there is a sense of joy, wonder and endless possibility. I have always found that there is a special type of magic around Christmas. </div>
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Each season and time of year has its own unique aspect that I love and look forward to (except the extreme cold... I could do without the extreme cold but I could not imagine never having snow!) </div>
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So now I'm starting back to cooking stews, soups, roasts and chickens. As I type I have a whole chicken being cooked sous vide and I'm going to be roasting potatoes and carrots for supper to go with it. I'm also going to be working on sweet potato pie and pumpkin pie. </div>
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<br />Cassandra LWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04920142032696011857noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7755746968145552657.post-91718719971611277402018-07-19T13:28:00.001-05:002018-07-19T13:28:37.810-05:00Strawberry Ginger and Basil Shortcake<div style="border-image: none; clear: both; text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BjEuD0fYDQY/W1DX6Yuu_QI/AAAAAAAAJu8/2l3JoPWrNaE7DD7fh2ZoaETQxZhCy8nVQCKgBGAs/s1600/IMG_4720.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BjEuD0fYDQY/W1DX6Yuu_QI/AAAAAAAAJu8/2l3JoPWrNaE7DD7fh2ZoaETQxZhCy8nVQCKgBGAs/s320/IMG_4720.JPG" width="320" /></a>So with summer here there are so many amazing fruits that come out. Now I have love for many food items - fruit and dessert is chief among those food loves (I mean are you surprised?) I also am in love with homemade pasta - so simple, so easy and so much better. Anyways I have been hearing about Strawberry Shortcake for a long time and honestly for a very long time all I could think of was the character in a cartoon when I was a kid. So when I started to figure out and see what these actually were I was sold on the concept - a simple yet sweet biscuit that is served with whip cream and strawberries - I mean yum! <br />
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This week has been about basil and using it in different ways. I have also wanted to do a white pepper Strawberry Shortcake (maybe later). In any event I was trying to think about the combination and how I could mix basil with strawberries, plus I was also trying to find ways that I could convince my willing victim to eat a sweet that he doesn't normally love so I set out to Google and I found some interesting drinks that featured a combination of Strawberries, Ginger and Basil! I was sold especially since I had so much basil! I tried out the recipe below and while they were amazing (seriously amazing) I not sure I'm sold on this form of biscuit - I think I need to revisit the combinations used and maybe add more basil and ginger plus find a biscuit recipe that has butter in it (I mean everything is better with butter!) On a note: I did use a bit more flour just because of the moisture from the basil and ginger but maybe only 1 or 2 tbsp. more not sure - you'll know when you have the right consistency!</div>
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<h2 style="border-image: none;">
Strawberry Ginger Basil Shortcake </h2>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Sh3wh40DU-Y/W1DWC3z8lCI/AAAAAAAAJuw/1NJovaV3iTUy89cUZFzvtOCDaBnTLbxhgCKgBGAs/s1600/IMG_4727.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Sh3wh40DU-Y/W1DWC3z8lCI/AAAAAAAAJuw/1NJovaV3iTUy89cUZFzvtOCDaBnTLbxhgCKgBGAs/s320/IMG_4727.HEIC" width="320" /></a>Makes 6 servings - takes about 1 hour with cooking and cooling </div>
<h3 style="border-image: none;">
Strawberry Filling
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1 1/2 pounds strawberries, stemmed and quartered
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3 tbsp sugar
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2 tbsp fresh basil chiffonade
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1” piece of fresh ginger finely (grate right into the strawberries) </div>
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Biscuits:
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2 tbsp sugar
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2 cups all-purpose flour
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2 tsp baking powder
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1/4 tsp baking soda </div>
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2 tbsp sugar
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3/4 tsp salt
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1 1/2 cups heavy cream
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2 tbsp fresh basil chiffonade<br />
1” piece of fresh ginger finely (grate right into the strawberries)
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Whipped Cream:
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1 ½ cups heavy cream, chilled
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3 tbsp sugar
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1 ½ tsp Vanilla Extract
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1 tsp freshly grated lemon zest
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Note: I used Splenda in place of sugar in all parts of this recipe <br />
<ol>
<li>Mix the Strawberries with 3 tbsp of sugar with the strawberries, basil and ginger. Cover in a bowl and put in the fridge for at least 30 minutes for the juices to develop. I grate the ginger right into the strawberries so that I can get the juices (do NOT use the ginger from a jar it won’t be the same).</li>
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Preheat the oven to 400F</li>
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Sift together the flower, baking powder, baking soda, and 2 tbsp. of sugar and salt in a medium bowl. </li>
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In mixing glass measure out the heavy cream and add the fresh basil and grate the ginger directly into the mixing glass. </li>
<li>Add the heavy cream mixture to the dry ingredients and mix until just combined. </li>
<li>Either place the mixture into an ungreased 8” square pan and bake until golden, 18 to 20 minutes OR divide the mixture into 6 equal size balls and flatten the top so they look like the size and shape of a hockey puck and place on a cookie sheet lined with parchment paper and cook 20 to 25 minutes. </li>
<li>Remove the shortcake from the pan and place on a rack to cool. When ready to serve Cut into 6 pieces and split each piece if half horizontally. If you made individual biscuits allow to cool on pan and then store in an airtight container until ready to serve then slice in half. </li>
<li>Spoon some of the strawberries and their juice onto each shortcake bottom. Top with a generous dollop of whipped cream and then the shortcake top. </li>
<li>For the Whipped Cream: Mix all items in a bowl using a mixer until soft peaks form about 1 ½ to 2 minutes. If you are preparing the Whipped Cream ahead and want to keep its form then add 1 tbsp of skim milk powder to stabilize the Whipped Cream which means it will keep its form and not become runny again. This will not change the taste. I also just whipped the cream without adding anything and it was good like that!
</li>
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Cassandra LWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04920142032696011857noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7755746968145552657.post-56060742832156507132018-07-16T23:19:00.000-05:002018-07-16T23:19:17.433-05:00Inspired by Basil<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vp8OOKU9BPo/W01pSQz8bcI/AAAAAAAAJRo/2NGXzI_5neMSIPWlp4utEb152kaiaF-CACKgBGAs/s1600/IMG_4633.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vp8OOKU9BPo/W01pSQz8bcI/AAAAAAAAJRo/2NGXzI_5neMSIPWlp4utEb152kaiaF-CACKgBGAs/s200/IMG_4633.JPG" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Just a little Basil!</td></tr>
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So I came home from the Lake where my Dad happens to have a little herb garden going in pots. Well - I took some basil home (just a little...) mostly because I have wanted to make Pesto but find buying all of the basil needed just too expensive (especially compared to how much a jar of pre-made pesto costs!<br />
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Now again I know that you can make Pesto with more than Basil and Pine nuts - really any combination of herbs with a buttery nut (walnuts, pecan) can be used to make a pesto. However, I can't remember having ever made pesto from scratch so I wanted to actually try a classic pesto. So I got inspired and made classic pesto from scratch. I also made dessert inspired by basil so stay tuned!<br />
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Inspired by the sheer amount of basil I had - I also made basil pasta, served with pesto and cheese chicken roulade (yes lots of pesto in this dish - but I had lots and wanted to us it. In order to make the basil pasta I started preparatio<span style="text-align: center;">ns like normal for the pasta but then when mixing the egg , water and oil I added in 2 ounces (by weight) of fresh basil that had been chopped and purred the mixture with an immersion blender. The dough was a little wetter than normal so I added a little more flour (not sure how much but I would guess up to 2 ounces of extra flour to accommodate for the extra moisture from the basil). </span><br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wnuyvUTKN8E/W01oTS1c-MI/AAAAAAAAJQ4/DbjXeiQzII43-e4m3a3YU27JYzRc54UbgCPcBGAYYCw/s1600/IMG_4722.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wnuyvUTKN8E/W01oTS1c-MI/AAAAAAAAJQ4/DbjXeiQzII43-e4m3a3YU27JYzRc54UbgCPcBGAYYCw/s320/IMG_4722.HEIC" width="320" /></a>Classic Pesto </h2>
1/2 cup grated fresh parmesan cheese<br />
1/3 cup pine nuts (toasted if you want an extra touch)<br />
2 garlic cloves<br />
2 1/2 cups packed fresh basil<br />
1/4 tsp each salt & pepper<br />
1/3 cup Extra virgin olive oil (a good quality)<br />
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<ol>
<li>In a food processor blitz the cheese and pine nuts until they are coarse </li>
<li>Add the basil and garlic to the food processor (I mince the garlic or use a press prior to adding it to the mix) </li>
<li>Pulse 6 times just to get everything started</li>
<li>turn on the food processor and add oil in a steady stream and there is an even consistency in the mixture.</li>
<li>Store in an airtight container in the fridge (I use glass jam jars).</li>
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<h2>
Basic Pasta Dough</h2>
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1 lbs Flour (by weight - I use AP or sometimes a mix of AP and OO Flour) </div>
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4 eggs plus 1 egg yolk</div>
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1/4 cup Olive Oil</div>
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Kosher Salt</div>
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2 tbsp water </div>
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<ol>
<li>Put the flour on a clean dry work surface. Make a hole in the center of the flour pile that is about the size of a dinner plate. Add all other ingredients into a bowl or heck just a large glass measuring cup and mix with a fork - then add to the hole or well in the flour. (If making flavoured pasta - this is where i would mix in the basil to the liquid mixture then work into the dough) </li>
<li>Using the fork, begin to incorporate the flour into the egg mixture; be careful of the flour "walls" around the liquid or the egg mixture will run all over your board. Once the flour and egg mixture seems like it is less fluid and more gel like consistency (basically not running consistency) begin to use your hands to really get everything well combined. Once all of the flour has combined into one mixture then start kneading. </li>
<li>Knead until the pasta is soft and supple - when you push a finger in lightly the dough should bounce back. Be careful when kneading to not push too far or it will break or tear the dough. </li>
<li>Wrap it in plastic and let rest for at least 1 hour. If using immediately do not refrigerate.</li>
<li>Roll and cut the pasta into desired shape - I usually roll everything down to an 8. </li>
<li>When rolling I always roll at the thickest setting a couple of times. Cut the dough disk into 4 pieces and then cover three of them back in plastic wrap. Press the dough out until less than 1/2" thick. Run it through the machine and then fold each side into the centre overlapping (so the rectangle folded in thirds). then run it through with the open end (not folded side) down and repeat several times just working the dough - you may have to dust a little with flour. I add flour to the work surface, place the sheet down then slap over the other side and brush lightly with my hands. When the dough seems to be a consistent size and thickness then I start going down 1 step at a time. When moving to the next pieces of dough - put the rolled out ones between two towels on a cookie sheet being sure to flour well between the folds. </li>
<li>Once cut to the shape or size you want boil a pot of WELL salted water and then add the pasta (being careful to not overfill the pot with pasta) and cook for about 3 minutes on a full boil). </li>
</ol>
Cassandra LWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04920142032696011857noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7755746968145552657.post-16586265627168894632018-07-12T07:07:00.001-05:002018-09-29T00:08:45.325-05:00Lots of Chocolate Cupcakes<div class="row">
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So I love to bake. As much as I love to cook and have the freedom to try different things and not follow the rules or measure carefully. That being said I find baking to be almost magical. That you take certain items, add them together and put them in the oven and something completely different comes out at the end. Now I know and understand thanks to Good Eats and Alton Brown that this is science - it is the reason why you have to be so specific when baking.</div>
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That being said I still find it fascinating. Not to mention I am spending more time now trying to figure out how to make things on my own without a recipe (I just got a book called <a href="https://www.amazon.ca/Ratio-Simple-Behind-Everyday-Cooking/dp/1416571728/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1510081933&sr=8-1&keywords=ratio+book&dpID=51JIkVVObaL&preST=_SY264_BO1,204,203,200_QL40_&dpSrc=srch">Ratio: The Simple Codes Behind the Craft of Everyday Cooking</a>) It's an inexpensive book and seems interesting. I am waiting to try something out until I don't really need it to turn out just in case. </div>
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That being said one of my favourite things to experiment with these days are cupcakes! I took cake decorating classes and when we went to class I would go the easy route and buy the often $1 cake mix and just make that (I mean come on - how easy and simple is that!!) It wasn't until the Monkey's birthday a couple of years ago that I started really making my own cake instead of using a mix (now I never use a mix). All because she said "Mom, your really not making me a home made cake if it is from a box" - I signed because she was right so I pulled out my trusty cookbook <a href="https://www.chapters.indigo.ca/en-ca/books/canadian-living-the-ultimate-cookbook/9781988002095-item.html?mkwid=s_dc&pcrid=74458270262&pkw=canadian%20living%20the%20ultimate%20cookbook&pmt=e&s_campaign=goo-Cookbooks+by+Title&gclid=Cj0KEQjw-JvaBRDGsdi5o5rt9o0BEiQAWOqSSmbNpi_OfgXDWI2X9HGVpoKH-XvsLGMK_ripGazdhC8aAuPz8P8HAQ" target="_blank">Canadian Living: The Ultimate Cookbook</a> and found a classic chocolate cake recipe - it seemed pretty easy - like ok really easy. This is by far the best - hands down - cake recipe ever! I say this because I have had people convert to actually eating cake and convert to liking chocolate cake once they try this recipe. It is good because it's chococlatey without being an overwhelming chocolate. </div>
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As directed in the recipe I always use coffee instead of water to help bring out the flavour. However at times I have changed that up and have also used mulled red wine (especially around Christmas) I have also done a coffee and Khalua mix with a Bailey's Icing (a B52 cupcake!) the possibilities are endless once you get the basic cake down! Including the variety of different butter cream icing you can use to decorate it with.</div>
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The best part about this recipe is that I can usually get it made and in the oven within about 5 to 8 minutes! (you may be asking about the coffee - I usually make that using the Keurig or lately a french press and all I do is put Ice in a bag and let it sit in the hot coffee to cool it down before adding it to the mix. </div>
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<h2>
<b>Classic Chocolate cake</b></h2>
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</div>
<div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
3 cups all-purpose flour</div>
</div>
<div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
2 cups granulated sugar</div>
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<div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
2/3 cup cocoa powder</div>
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<div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
2 tsp baking soda</div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
1/2 tsp salt</div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
2 cups brewed coffee or water (I would never water - coffee makes them SO much better! it must be cool not HOT when adding to the cake batter)</div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
1 cup vegetable oil</div>
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<div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
2 tsp vanilla </div>
</div>
<div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
3 tbsp cider vinegar (I have used apple cider because I couldn't find plain cider and it worked fine) </div>
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<div>
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</div>
<div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Preheat the oven to 350 Degrees </div>
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<div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Cake: Grease two 9-inch round cake pans, line the bottom with parchment paper. Set aside,</div>
</div>
<div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Cupcakes: Line 24 cupcake tins with liners and set aside. </div>
</div>
<ul>
<li style="text-align: justify;">In bowl, whisk flour, sugar, cocoa powder, baking soda and salt.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">Whisk in coffee, oil and vanilla. Stir in the vinegar. (I usually just combine this all in one large glass measuring cup) </li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">Divide evenly between the cupcake tins or cake pan (I found for the cupcakes they were almost all of the way full). </li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">Bake for 25 to 30 minutes for the cake or 18-20 minutes for cupcakes. Make sure you test with a tester.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">Let cool for 10 minutes and then invert cake pan onto a cooling rack or remove the cupcakes from the tins. </li>
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<b>Bailey's Butter Cream Icing</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
1 lbs Icing sugar (measure by weight)</div>
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<div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
1 cup butter</div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
8 tsp of Bailey's</div>
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Cassandra LWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04920142032696011857noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7755746968145552657.post-4876591033147731892018-07-09T23:04:00.000-05:002018-07-09T23:04:09.410-05:00So I Sous Vide<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-wMMtjCiFULo/W0QsFkcajNI/AAAAAAAAHRU/F1GKeHU7qnEZImE034f_UgnZox2Mj8NRACKgBGAs/s1600/IMG_4509.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-wMMtjCiFULo/W0QsFkcajNI/AAAAAAAAHRU/F1GKeHU7qnEZImE034f_UgnZox2Mj8NRACKgBGAs/s200/IMG_4509.HEIC" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Anova Precision Cooker</td></tr>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
Ok - so let me start with the excitement about getting a precision cooker! I have seen them used on a couple of different cooking shows and was interested in them. Then a friend started posting some interesting stuff that she was making using sous vide so this had me start researching and looking some more. </div>
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Basically sous vide means literally to cook something under vacuum. Basically you cook what ever the item is in a sealed container that has not air (so a bag that is vacuumed sealed or a ziplock back that has all of the tire pressed out of it or in canning jars) and the container is then placed in water and the water is kept circulating and at a constant temperature. The food cooks slowly in some cases more slowly than a slow cooker - but what you can cook is way more versatile than a slow cooker.</div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sp_YMIYZxbo/W0QsM49T_SI/AAAAAAAAHSM/NEzxeWpXQI8ZNboIY7xlonIyxtjctrPcACKgBGAs/s1600/IMG_4507.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sp_YMIYZxbo/W0QsM49T_SI/AAAAAAAAHSM/NEzxeWpXQI8ZNboIY7xlonIyxtjctrPcACKgBGAs/s200/IMG_4507.HEIC" width="150" /></a></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Steak, Fries and Chimichurri</td></tr>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
So you may be asking why would you want to use this if you can just use a slow cooker? The precision nature of the cooking method - I have overcooked lots of things in my day (I'm guessing I am not the only one). In the oven, slow cooker, stove, or BBQ it is easy to over cook something especially if you are distracted by other things or when you are trying to prepare multiple things. The nice thing is that basically you cannot overcook the food because the the food item can never get hotter than the water bath it is placed in. The process also retains the juices and flavours that would otherwise be lost in the cooking process. </div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
So steak sous vide vs. BBQ - on the BBQ you heat the grill up often reaching temperatures of 400 to 500 F on the grill - then you put the steak on - this means that if you are not perfect in your timing and pull the steak off at the right time the steak can go over the desired temperature for doneness (for me medium rare - which means pulling it off around 135F and then letting it rest to continue cooking up to 145 F (residual heat right?!) Well - the steak I did in the sous vide was suppose to cook for 1 hour at 129F but I got distracted and it was in the water bath for 90 minutes and still came out perfectly medium rare!</div>
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I ended up getting the Anova Precision Cooker (Bluetooth and Wifi version) <a href="https://ca.anovaculinary.com/" target="_blank">(click here to visit the store)</a> for my birthday and ended up taking it to the lake to try out a few different things. After the steak one of the first things I made was the Creme Brûlée and I have to say it was by far the easiest and best version I have made and it was so much easier than making a regular version. It was a little tricky getting to learn about how to stack and place jars properly in the water but the results were amazing! </div>
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The only downside - I could not get the bluetooth to work while at the lake and this version is only compatible with a 2.4 GHz internet connection so I had to manually set and adjust the machine at the lake (I mean good because you don't have to rely on the app but on the other hand just very annoying). I have to figure out the Bluetooth connection. </div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
The other downside - I only have one lol! I was also a good learning experience. Despite what I knew about the method of cooking it was suggested I try potatoes (requires a high temperature) at the same time as chicken (low temperature) and it didn't work - which is fine because the potatoes were amazing on the BBQ. Now you do not need any special equipment when you get started aside from the precision cooker you can just use a pot. However, I either have a really huge stock pot (22L+ or a smaller size soup pot) barely enough room to have put my steaks in never mind trying to cover them with water. So I did end up picking up containers from a kitchen supply store. I also did this because I learned one other thing from the vast amount of resources available online - it is a great idea to cover the water in some fashion (ping pong balls, foils, lid) to prevent heat loss and evaporation. The other reason for getting the camber (plastic) container was for insulation. The plastic will help retain heat in the water where metal is meant to distribute water. </div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
Other nice part - we learned that you can cook from frozen! Which means I can prep chicken breast, throw them in the freezer and then when ready just throw them in for the sous vide and have them turn out perfectly!</div>
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At the end of the day - if you are going to invest in something else for the kitchen and want something you can use to impress guests and make easy meals I<i> highly recommend </i>the Anova! It was also great because we did eggs for a big group at the lake and they cooked and held at perfection while I made Ham and Cheese Egg Crepes with Mustard Sauce (I'll post that recipe later but it was a great savoury rendition of a classically sweet dish!). I just now have to figure out how to get a second one or their new Nano version. (Note: we managed to get ours on a sweet deal for Father's Day!!) </div>
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Some great resources:</h2>
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<a href="https://www.chefsteps.com/joule?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Brand_Search&gclid=EAIaIQobChMItN-i2cuT3AIVl-NkCh07RQZeEAAYAiAAEgL2dPD_BwE" target="_blank">Chef Steps (they sell a different unit I haven't tried - but the recipes were great)</a></div>
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<a href="https://recipes.anovaculinary.com/" target="_blank">Anova website for recipes</a></div>
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<a href="https://www.seriouseats.com/2016/01/first-thing-to-cook-with-sous-vide-immersion-circulator-essential-recipes.html" target="_blank">Serious Eats</a></div>
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I am still looking for a good "cookbook" that deals more with this method of cooking so if you have a recommendation!</div>
Cassandra LWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04920142032696011857noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7755746968145552657.post-21977567139337303432018-07-05T11:30:00.000-05:002018-07-05T11:30:15.446-05:00Chicken Enchiladas with Red Sauce <div style="text-align: justify;">
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dqge3xocmp0/WzqQC1qT74I/AAAAAAAAF68/ZQRz_X_g-t0Nwqtijlu03TSqOage5FpfwCKgBGAs/s1600/IMG_4090.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dqge3xocmp0/WzqQC1qT74I/AAAAAAAAF68/ZQRz_X_g-t0Nwqtijlu03TSqOage5FpfwCKgBGAs/s320/IMG_4090.HEIC" width="320" /></a>So when my husband asked me to make Enchiladas for the first time I must admit that I was ....</div>
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reluctant to say the least - I like them at the restaurant but I couldn't imagine how much work they would take. I remember my mom making them for us a kids and they were good but they definitely didn't become a staple at home. With this recipe that I tried they have now become a staple in the house and they are a great, easy go-to week night meal. They can be made the easy way or more complicated. For us the more complicated version means making the tortillas at home using our tortilla press. I usually make a double batch of the red sauce and the second container usually finds a home with someone or I freeze it for next time!</div>
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If you manage your time properly and start the sauce and then cook the filling while the sauce is reducing this recipe takes about 1 hour total (including cooking, preparing, baking, and waiting). </div>
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<h2 style="text-align: justify;">
Enchilada Red Sauce </h2>
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2 tbsp avocado oil (I usually use vegetable oil or a avocado/veggie hybrid oil)</div>
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2 tbsp all-purpose flour (I have used GF flour before as well) </div>
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2 tbsp chili powder </div>
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1/2 tsp garlic powder</div>
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1/2 tsp salt</div>
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1/4 tsp ground cumin</div>
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1/4 tsp dried oregano</div>
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2 cups chicken stock </div>
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<ol>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
Heat oil in small saucepan over medium-high heat. Add flour and whisk together over the heat for one minute. </div>
</li>
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Stir in the remaining seasoning and stir for another minute or so.</div>
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Gradually add the stock, whisking constantly to remove the lumps and simmer for 10 to 15 minutes until thickened slightly. </div>
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</ol>
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I consider this sauce to be mild enough for me (I usually like spice at level 3 on a scale from 1 to 10 with 10 being the hottest - yes I am a wimp!)</div>
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<h2 style="text-align: justify;">
Chicken Enchiladas </h2>
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2 tbsp avocado oil (or vegetable oil) </div>
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1 small white onion, peeled and diced</div>
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1 1/2 pounds boneless skinless chicken breasts, diced into small 1/2-inch pieces</div>
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Salt and pepper</div>
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1 x 4 ounce can died green chiles</div>
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1 x 15.5 ounce can of black beans, rinsed and drained</div>
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8 Large tortillas (I use a corn tortilla usually as there is a Smart Fiest one we love)</div>
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3 cups shredded cheese (Mexican blend or cheddar cheese)</div>
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1 batch of the red enchilada sauce</div>
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Topping: cilantro and/or cilantro lime crema</div>
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<ol>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
Preheat oven to 350F.</div>
</li>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
In a large sauté pan, head oil over medium-high heat. Add onion and sauté for 3 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add diced chicken and green chiles (I usually only use 1/2 a can). Season with salt and pepper - I sometimes also sprinkle a little oregano and cumin on the chicken as well. Saute for 6 to 8 minutes, stirring occasionally until the chicken is cooked through. </div>
</li>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
Remove from heat - at this point I chop up the chicken mixture even more finely but this is a preference only. </div>
</li>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
Prepare a 9 x 13 inch baking dish - spray with cooking spray (please trust me this is a MUST) I often place a good spoonful or two of sauce on the bottom.</div>
</li>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
To assemble use an assembly line:</div>
</li>
<ol>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
Tortilla</div>
</li>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
Enchilada sauce</div>
</li>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
beans</div>
</li>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
chicken </div>
</li>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
cheese </div>
</li>
</ol>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
Lay out the tortilla, spread two tablespoons of sauce over the surface of the tortilla, add the beans in a line down the middle, add a spoonful of the chicken mixture (I've learned to divide it roughly in the pan) sprinkle with cheese, roll up and place in the baking dish with the seem down and then repeat with the remaining ingredients. </div>
</li>
<li>Spread the remaining sauce and cheese on the top (at this point I usually end up shredding extra cheese)</li>
<li>Bake for 20 minutes and then serve immediately. </li>
</ol>
<h2>
Cilantro Lime Cream</h2>
Mix the following together:<br />
1 cup sour cream<br />
1 lime - zested and then juiced<br />
1 handful cilantro (about 1/4 cup chopped well) <br />
Salt to taste<br />
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this is best made a head and I warn it is highly addictive!<br />
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Cassandra LWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04920142032696011857noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7755746968145552657.post-48032250603250388392018-07-04T13:30:00.000-05:002018-07-04T13:30:01.669-05:00Chickpea, Cumin and Spinach Koftas with Tahini Dressing<div style="text-align: justify;">
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So I am going to start with saying that my version or adaptation of these made for a very odd looking end product but putting that aside they were amazing and definitely will be on our list of things to make again. It is also nice as a non-meat meal that left all of us fully stuff. </div>
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This recipe comes again from Gordon Ramsay's cookbook "<a href="https://www.amazon.ca/Gordon-Ramsays-Home-Cooking-Everything/dp/1455525251" target="_blank">Home Cooking Everything you need to know to make fabulous food"</a> (I would include this book on my must buy list - there are a number of amazing recipes that are easy to make and a definite crowd pleaser even with the fussy eaters!)</div>
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Mine ended up with a totally green blob like appearance because I pureed everything for the husband and his texture issues in food. The only picture I have also is from the next day at work when we were sharing the left overs they were that good! </div>
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Note: this was not a difficult weeknight recipe to make; however, it does have a 1 hour chill time during the recipe so I would probably make one night and then cook another night - once they are cooked they don't hang around long! </div>
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<h2 style="text-align: justify;">
Chickpea, Cumin and Spinach Koftas with Tahini Dressing</h2>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QYr9ZdWvZTg/WzqFVTuQdvI/AAAAAAAAFA0/0YRGGCb-yC0WKo7AInS-bBNcouPzgjC9wCKgBGAs/s1600/IMG_0106.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QYr9ZdWvZTg/WzqFVTuQdvI/AAAAAAAAFA0/0YRGGCb-yC0WKo7AInS-bBNcouPzgjC9wCKgBGAs/s320/IMG_0106.JPG" width="240" /></a>
Koftas </h3>
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8 ounces spinach (I used 1 package frozen spinach)</div>
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Olive Oil</div>
</div>
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1 tbsp. cumin seeds</div>
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2 x 14 ounce cans chickpeas, drained </div>
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1 tsp paprika</div>
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1/2 tsp ground turmeric</div>
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Sea Salt and freshly ground black pepper</div>
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2 tbsp. chickpea (gram) flour, plus extra for dusting) </div>
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<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
Dressing </h3>
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1/2 cup plain yogurt</div>
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1-2 tbsp. tahini paste, to taste</div>
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Juice of 1/2 lemon</div>
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2 tbsp. chopped cilantro leaves</div>
</div>
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Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper</div>
</div>
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Olive Oil (optional)</div>
</div>
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<ol>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
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Wash the spinach, then place in a medium-hot oiled pan and stir until wilted. Drain thoroughly, squeezing out any excess water, then finely chopped. (Here I just used 1 package of chopped frozen spinach and squeezed out all of the excess water using cheese cloth). </div>
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
Toast the cumin seeds in a dry hot pan for about 1 minute until aromatic and golden, then grind in a mortar with a pestle. </div>
</li>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
Place the chickpeas, cumin and spices along with a good pinch of salt and pepper in a blender and blend to a fine paste. (If the mixture looks too dry to hold together, add 2 - 3 tablespoons of water and blend again).(I used a vitamix for this part because we don't own a blender and it didn't work very well - the next time I would try a food processor instead). </div>
</li>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
Add the spinach, sprinkle in the flour and mix well to combine (I processed the spinach because the husband has texture issues). </div>
</li>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="border-image: none;">
Dust your hands with flour, then take a tablespoon of the mixture and mold it into an egg shape. (I did this with a cook scoop but it didn't work well next time I would use just a regular spoon). Repeat until all of the mixture has been used, then place on a plate or baking sheet dusted with flour. Chill for at least 1 hour until you are ready to cook. </div>
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="border-image: none;">
For the dressing - combine all of the ingredients and season with salt and pepper to taste. Ad a little olive oil if you want a looser consistency. I found that this was better to sit overnight so I would actually make this first before making the koftas. </div>
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</li>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
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Preheat the oven to 250F.</div>
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</li>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
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Heat some oil in a pan and pan-fry the koftas in batches over medium heat for 2 to 3 minutes until golden brown on all sides and hot all the way through. Drain after frying, and keep them warm in the oven. </div>
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</li>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
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Serve the koftas warm with the dressing on the side. </div>
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</li>
</ol>
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Cassandra LWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04920142032696011857noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7755746968145552657.post-71098001127393687362018-07-03T11:30:00.000-05:002018-07-03T11:30:08.994-05:00Chicken Parmesan Balls an amazing Alton Brown creation <div style="border-image: none; text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-99lYCyIOILA/Wzpy0CBdFsI/AAAAAAAAE84/AO4upqZn5jkbrbn8-cQY4YhkNGZQk0wOwCKgBGAs/s1600/IMG_4073.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-99lYCyIOILA/Wzpy0CBdFsI/AAAAAAAAE84/AO4upqZn5jkbrbn8-cQY4YhkNGZQk0wOwCKgBGAs/s400/IMG_4073.HEIC" width="300" /></a>So I don't know how many times I have heard/read/seen the advice that you really must read through an entire recipe before you start cooking.</div>
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The foreword of "Mastering the Art of French Cooking" 50th Anniversary edition has some words of advice that I would like to copy here again just in case you need another reminder:</div>
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
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Our years of teaching cookery have impressed upon us the fact that all too often a debutant cook will start in enthusiastically on a new dish without every reading the recipe first. Suddenly an ingredient, or a process, or a time sequence will turn up, and there is astonishment, frustration, and even disaster We therefore urge you, however much you have cooked, always to read the recipe first, even if the dish is familiar to you. Visualize each step so you will know exactly what techniques, ingredients, time, and equipment are required and you will encounter no surprises. Recipe language is always a sort of shorthand in which a lot of information is packed, and you will have to read carefully if you are not to miss small but important points. Then, to build up your over-all knowledge of cooking, compare the recipe mentally to others you are familiar with, and note where one recipe or technique fits into the large picture of the theme and variations. (pg xxvi)</div>
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Well those who have had the opportunity to see my cookbooks know that I often read them like a novel when I get them. I sit and study which recipes I may want to try and mark them with post it notes along the top of the book and make note of them in my notebook (I try not always good on this point). I have mentioned that I have a rule that I need to have at least 1 recipe per dollar I spend on a book - so if a cookbook costs $10 I must have 10 recipes I want to try. I even make notes directly in a cookbook about the steps, ingredients that go together for each steps. What's the point?</div>
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This cooking expedition is a real reminder that this holds true no matter how simple the recipe is and no matter how familiar you think you are. I missed a step but at the end of the day the recipe was still amazing despite the imperfections in my technique! The recipe was straight forward and honestly we enjoyed it more than a traditional chicken parmesan. </div>
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Oh and I happened to stumble across AB's page in which he has clarifications about some of the recipes in his <a href="https://www.amazon.ca/Alton-Brown-EveryDayCook/dp/1101885718/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1530556618&sr=8-1&keywords=everyday+cook" target="_blank">Everyday Cook book</a> (click the link for the book on amazon). Find them here: <a href="https://altonbrown.com/everydaycook-corrections-clarifications/" target="_blank">Everyday Cook Corrections and Clarifications</a>. Just now that this recipe is (a) Game changer (b) easy weeknight meal that the Monkey helped out with! </div>
<h2 style="border-image: none;">
Chicken Parmesan Balls</h2>
<div style="border-image: none;">
3 ounces panko bread crumbs (divided 1/2 ounce and 2 1/2 ounces) </div>
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4 ounces parmesan cheese, grated (divided 1 ounce and 3 ounces) </div>
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1 1/2 lbs ground chicken</div>
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1 large egg, lightly beaten</div>
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2 tbsp. herb oil (another AB recipe could also just Olive Oil)</div>
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1 tbsp dried basil</div>
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2 tsp garlic power</div>
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2 tsp dried parsley </div>
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1 tsp dried oregano</div>
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1 tsp kosher salt</div>
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Spaghetti sauce (the original recipe uses an AB sauce - I used 1 can or about 2 1/2 cups)</div>
4 ounces low-moisture mozzarella cheese, grated<br />
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<ol>
<li>Heat the oven to 400F</li>
<li>Mix together 1/2 ounce of the panko with 1 ounce of the parmesan in a small bowl and set aside. (note: this is where I messed up this is for rolling the balls in before frying).</li>
<li>Combine the chicken, egg, 1 tbsp. of the herb oil, the remaining 2 1/2 ounces panko, the remaining 3 ounces parmesan, the basil, garlic powder, parsley, oregano and salt in a large bowl. Using your hands, gently combine until just incorporated, trying not to overwork the meat. </li>
<li>Divide the meatball mixture into 28 golf ball-size rounds (1 ounce each) (now - you can weigh out the mixture or use a cookie scoop - I used the scoop then rolled them). Roll the balls in the panko mixture (I missed this part of the step entirely). </li>
<li>Heath the remaining 1 tablespoon herb oil over medium heat in a 12-inch oven-safe skillet. Brown the meatballs in the herb oil, about 30 seconds on each side, working in batches if needed to avoid crowding the pan. Remove the browned meatballs from the pan (if using AB's weeknight spaghetti sauce make it - or do like me an open the can)</li>
<li>Cover the meatballs with the sauce, cover with the grated mozzarella and bake until the meatballs are cooked through about 10 minutes, and the cheese is melted. Serve over cooked pasta or on top of crispy bread. (Frankly - the 4 ounces of mozzarella was not enough cheese for us so we used more and because I still had that panko and parmesan set aside from earlier I just put them on top of the cheese for a crusty top. </li>
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Cassandra LWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04920142032696011857noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7755746968145552657.post-55214969552361413312018-07-02T12:56:00.000-05:002018-07-02T13:06:47.608-05:00Cardamom-Spiced Custard with Chai Syrup<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yzKBqSFYQ8I/WzpfGjLF5aI/AAAAAAAAE8s/4_QaH1wEdlAcUzCKnSpqBlHZvdAUSe_9ACKgBGAs/s1600/IMG_4201.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yzKBqSFYQ8I/WzpfGjLF5aI/AAAAAAAAE8s/4_QaH1wEdlAcUzCKnSpqBlHZvdAUSe_9ACKgBGAs/s320/IMG_4201.HEIC" width="240" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white;">So anyone who knows me by this point knows that I love cooking shows of all varieties - Top Chef; Masterchef (Canadian and US versions of both); Good Eats; Cut Throat Kitchen; Hells Kitchen. I also would love to be on one or anyone of these shows - particularly Masterchef Canada. So I watch the show and see how I could do in similar situations and also to push myself to try and learn new things. <br />
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So another MasterChef Canada like adventure. They had a recent episode where the contestants had to make a crème brulee with a caramel cage during a pressure test. Crème Brulee has been on my list of things to make for a long time. However, just haven't had a chance. Ultimately, then with the husband was diagnosed with diabetes it makes it more difficult to make certain desserts because of the sugar content. Then in what I would guess is a sponsored post one of the judges Claudio share a recipe for making a crème brulee style dessert that used Splenda. Now, I know that some people have issue with using artificial sweeteners; however, with diabetes a real concern and trying to find a way to enjoy the same or similar kind of desserts I use them. </span><br />
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Now, I also wanted to try the other part of this challenge of making the caramel cages - so I used Google to find some videos on making the caramel and voila - I managed to achieve a pretty amazing result. That being said while I enjoyed the dessert I was not a fan of the Chair Syrup. I think I will try a different variation of this the next time and I have a goal of trying a crème brulee in the sous vide.<br />
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<h2 align="center" style="margin-top: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Cardamom-Spiced Custard with <mark><span style="background-color: white;">Chai</span></mark> Syrup</span></span></h2>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-XdL-AX8fk5M/WzpfGmzjSFI/AAAAAAAAE8s/qYX9QQv0bFYMluJsQzZacdxb9i0b6oGIgCKgBGAs/s1600/IMG_4197.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-XdL-AX8fk5M/WzpfGmzjSFI/AAAAAAAAE8s/qYX9QQv0bFYMluJsQzZacdxb9i0b6oGIgCKgBGAs/s200/IMG_4197.HEIC" width="150" /></span></a><b><span style="text-transform: uppercase;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;"> </span></span></b></div>
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<strong><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;">INGREDIENTS</span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Custard<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span></span></span></strong></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="line-height: normal;"></span></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">3/4 </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">cup</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">milk</span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border-image: none; mso-outline-level: 6; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">1/4 </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">cup</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">cream</span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border-image: none; mso-outline-level: 6; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">2 </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">eggs</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">1 </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">yolk</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">2 </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">Tbsp</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">SPLENDA®</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">Stevia</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">No</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">Calorie</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">Sweetener</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">, </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">for</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">bottom</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">of</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">ramekins</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border-image: none; mso-outline-level: 6; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">1 </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">Tbsp</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">SPLENDA®</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">Stevia</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">No</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">Calorie</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">Sweetener</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">, </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">for</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">custard</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">mix</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">2 </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">Tbsp</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> + 1/2 </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">tsp</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">vanilla</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">extract</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">1/8 </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">tsp</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">ground</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">cardamom</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">1/4 </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">salt</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;"> </span></b></div>
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<strong><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><mark><span style="background-color: white;">Chai</span></mark> Syrup</span></span></strong></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border-image: none; mso-outline-level: 6; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">1/4 </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">cup</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">water</span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">2 </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">Tbsp</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">SPLENDA®</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">Stevia</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">No</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">Calorie</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">Sweetener</span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border-image: none; mso-outline-level: 6; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">1/4 </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">tsp</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">each</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">ground</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">cinnamon</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">, </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">cardamom</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">, </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">clove</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">, </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;">anise</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.4pt;"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;"> </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="text-transform: uppercase;">SERVINGS</span></b><strong>: MAKES<span style="text-transform: uppercase;"> 4 </span></strong></span></span></div>
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<span style="text-transform: uppercase;"><strong><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;"> </span></strong></span></div>
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<strong><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;">DIRECTIONS</span></strong></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;"> </span></div>
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<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-image: none;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;">Heat oven to 350°F. In a small saucepan over medium high heat, melt 2 Tbsp SPLENDA® Stevia No Calorie Sweetener with 2 Tbsp vanilla. When bubbles begin to form on surface, set a timer and let boil for 1 min. Divide evenly among ramekins and let cool. Caramel should harden as it cools. Scald milk and cream in a sauce pot. Add 1 Tbsp SPLENDA® Stevia No Calorie Sweetener, remaining 1/2 tsp vanilla, cardamom, and salt. In a mixing bowl whisk eggs and yolk, then strain through a fine sieve. While whisking constantly, very slowly add the egg mixture to the scalded milk</span></div>
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<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-image: none;">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;">Divide mixture evenly into ramekins. Put ramekins in a Bain Marie with boiling water halfway up the side. (a 9x13 baking pan works great for this). Bake for about 18 minutes, or until middle is jiggly but set.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;">Remove from Bain Marie and let rest out of the water on counter for 30 minutes. Do not refrigerate as it will cause the caramel to harden. Run sharp knife around the edge of custards. Place plate on top of ramekin, invert and turn out onto plate and serve immediately.</span></span></span></span></div>
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<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-image: none;">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">To make the <mark><span style="background-color: white;">Chai</span></mark> Syrup: In small saucepan, stir together water and SPLENDA® Stevia No Calorie Sweetener ove</span>r medium heat until fully dissolved. Stir in spices and let cool. Then pour as much as desired on top of custard before eating.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
</li>
</ol>
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<br />Cassandra LWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04920142032696011857noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7755746968145552657.post-88941148820338501672018-07-01T12:00:00.000-05:002018-07-01T12:00:02.852-05:00Golden Chicken with Potatoes and Chickpeas - more tagine adventures!<div style="text-align: justify;">
More experimenting with the Tagine. I like the idea because most of the recipes that I have used or I have tried require very little effort or preparation work and they cook for longer periods of time without much attention required which means they are perfect for after a long day at work. I can come home and put the few but amazing ingredients together then sit and relax for a while supper cooks and we still end up with an amazing supper that was home cooked without a lot of effort. </div>
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This recipe was a particular hit because it had a potatoes in it which made it a full meal. The only down side was that we did not have any pitas or like bread to eat with the meal so we used toasted bread. But this meal is one that does require something to soak up the amazing sauce with! The left over chicken breast also made a very good and amazing chicken salad sandwich the next day. </div>
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Note that many of the tagine recipes I am cooking called for either avocado or Olive Oil and I have used an avocado blended mix because pure avocado oil was not in my budget. </div>
<h2 style="border-image: none; text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Z-RNajUPgpo/WzewuOCfWsI/AAAAAAAAEMg/sCZybzR_u1o0u1R8dEOkq-qCW1D-GhZ-wCKgBGAs/s1600/IMG_4494.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Z-RNajUPgpo/WzewuOCfWsI/AAAAAAAAEMg/sCZybzR_u1o0u1R8dEOkq-qCW1D-GhZ-wCKgBGAs/s320/IMG_4494.JPG" width="320" /></a>Golden chicken with Potatoes and Chickpeas</h2>
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Designed for Medium or large </div>
<div style="border-image: none; text-align: justify;">
Makes 4 to 6 servings </div>
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<div style="border-image: none; text-align: justify;">
3 tbsp melted butter</div>
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20 strands saffron </div>
<div style="border-image: none; text-align: justify;">
1 tbsp ground turmeric</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
3 tbsp avocado or olive oil</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
2 onions, cut into quarters (I only used 1 because of my tagine size) </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
4 to 6 skinless boneless chicken breasts (I only used 3 because of tagine size) </div>
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1 cup chicken broth </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
1 piece approx. 2" cinnamon stick </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
1 can - 14 oz chickpeas, drained and rinsed</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
1/4 chopped flat-left parsley </div>
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<ol>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
In a bowl combine the melted butter, saffron and turmeric. Set aside. </div>
</li>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
In the bottom of the tagine heat oil over medium heat. Add onions and potatoes cook while stirring for 5 minutes. </div>
</li>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
Add spice mixture, chicken sliding around and moving the onions away to brown the chicken - I made sure that the chicken made contact with the bottom and side of the tagine to improve browning. Cook for about 5 minutes or until chicken is browned.</div>
</li>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
Using tongs, turn chicken over, add broth and cinnamon stick and bring to a boil. Cover with tagine lid, reduce heat to low and simmer, stirring once, for 25 minutes. </div>
</li>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
Stir in the chickpeas and parsley. Replace lid and simmer for 10 to 15 minutes or until chickpeas are heated through and chicken is no longer pink inside. Discard cinnamon stick prior to serving. </div>
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Cassandra LWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04920142032696011857noreply@blogger.com0