|Sunset, Tulabi Falls|
Sitting here contemplating what I want to do - as in it is 4:00 am and I'm stuck. Stuck in the moment, stuck in life and stuck in fear. When I turned 30 I felt free, like it was a gift because I never imagined or saw my life beyond 30. When I would be asked "where do you see yourself in 10 years" I never really had an answer because I didn't. I honestly didn't think I would live past the age of 30. We even decided to tempt fate and went tandem sky diving the day before I turned 30. I had a small birthday party and promised myself that I would now really start living my life. I have no idea what it meant and no idea what I was going to do I just knew that is what your are suppose to do, right? I mean, YOLO and all.
|Top of Tulabi Falls|
Here I am facing 40 - a whole decade later and in so many ways in the same position and in so many ways not the same position. I am married again to a man that I drive nuts but can't imagine being without; still have an amazing, wonderful, brilliant child, a modest home with a small yard that I just transformed into an area that I love, one car, two dogs and two cats. I have a job (of sorts) I am on long term disability away from my job working on healing myself, a job that I loved that my boss literally told me after I was hired that it was like the job was made for me and my specific qualifications and experiences, but that specific job, that fate seemed to push me towards, will soon no longer be mine.
|The path to the bottom|
"I think happiness is about letting go of what you thought your life is suppose to be and just embracing where you are now and how special it is." - Adam Russell
I took my 40th Birthday as a day mostly to myself, it was not the day as I had planned. I had planned to spend the day with my husband and daughter, maybe some friends or family, but unfortunately circumstances that I could not control meant that I was with my daughter and one of the dogs at the yurt. So I went with what life gave me and took part of the day by myself. I faced things, such simple things that were such huge fears and I found moments of it - moments of happiness. When I tried to control of exert power over the moments they fought back and taught me to just be still when I needed to be still, be strong when I needed to be and to be ok with making a decision not to do something when I never really wanted to do it in the first place. Being in this space on this day I realized that so much of my life has been dictated by fear, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of being seen, fear of not being seen, just fear of everything. So for me this next year of my life I will be focusing on being Forty and Fearless.
I will also be looking at doing a 40 while 40 list. Do I have a list yet? No. Does the list have to be big things? No. What makes the list and doesn't? I don't know and that is a start of not letting fear dictate my life.
|Climbed to the base of the falls|
|Me on the cliff, in a bikini at 40 deciding not to jump|