Monday, March 7, 2016

It's been a little bit

It has been a few days since I've posted and honestly I need a bit of a break. The last two weeks have been probably the most stressful two weeks that I've had in a while and frankly I haven't wanted to be in the kitchen cooking or baking and it is the thing that tends to make me happy. 

It all started when my husband had to be scheduled for surgery (please don't get worried - it is not a major operation but it does have impacts on life and potential implications for other things). His surgery ultimately had to be rescheduled. As I already said - having the surgery on the date it was scheduled for in the first place was not great but I made it work. However, when that surgery date went up in the air and the next date we were given was in the end of March things couldn't have been worse.

We have been trying to have a baby for the last well almost two years and we have two things working against us. First - I have PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome which is tons of funs (Not).  PCOS has been getting more attention lately because of people like Whitney Way Thore (Star of My Big Fat Fabulous Life) but it has been a factor in my life for the last 15+ years and affects many things including my ability to conceive.  Second - the husband has low testosterone.  He has to have an injection every three weeks to keep up his levels and the injection has certain side effects.  We had to both see our doctors to get a referral to a specialist here. Mine was easier in sorts because of a known issue that I've had to deal with before.   We finally seemed like we were on a path to actually being able to try in a meaningful way and then we had a set back with the husband's health and him having to have surgery. We now wait for him to recover before we can get the process moving again. 

When he originally came back from the specialist and confirmed what we already knew - that he would have to have surgery - it was hard because they can take a while to schedule and get in so I was originally set up for a long time - then when we go the call that his date was at the end of February I was relieved in so many ways. Then to have that pulled out from under you and be told it could be another month I could just see the delay getting longer and longer. 

The worst part for me is that a lot of family/friends are having babies right now. I am going to put this out there - it's not that I wish them bad or that I'm not happy for them it is just really really hard.  I have had this discussion with my bestie and as much as I lover her she doesn't get it. S is really the best friend a person could have and I love her to pieces - but she's never had a problem having children and that really seems to be the key. Those that have struggles with infertility understand how hard it is - its not that other people being pregnant or having babies makes you hate that person - it makes me hate myself and get very angry. It is not fair - its just not fair. I wish for the first part people would understand and I think that the easiest way to put is this - I am a woman - I am purpose built biologically to do one thing - reproduce and have a baby - so by the shear fact that my body is messed up and is working against that eats away being a woman.

I honestly don't know where this post is going but I need to vent that I'm frustrated and stressed and I'm glad that the husband is on the road to recovery and I was back in the kitchen yesterday night and back to being happy in there. 

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