Saturday, January 27, 2018

it's been a week...actually now 2 weeks... and that's the point

I'm shocked that it has been a week  now almost two weeks since my last post - it's like time flew by.  It was a crazy week trying to recover from the flu that struck the house.

Husband and I were sick enough that we kept the Monkey at her Dad's place for extra time to try and avoid getting her sick. But it has made me think about one word - Later.

Think back over your last day, week, month and year - how many times have you said later. Take a moment and really think - I'll send that message later, I'll do the dishes later, I'll put away those things later, We'll do this activity later. Now think - how many times have you come through on that later. Sure you will do things that are necessary at some point later - like the dishes they have to be done.

I find that I have used many excuses or reasons to justify doing something later in my life. It was an issue that I had that lead to my life revolution several years ago and in examining where I want to go this year and where I am - I find myself doing something similar "living for my life later." Granted there are definitely things that we are not leaving for later - the big things - opportunities to visit family, experience things. But it has made me think about all of the little things that I am missing out on every day.

I am trying to think every day - if this was my last day on earth what would my epitaph say, what would the eulogy of my life say? I have been reflecting on what "live every day as if it was your last" mean.  The best things in my life have truly happened when I have said why not and went with it. I think it means that if today was it for me would I be happy - would I have regrets about things I haven't done.

-- I started writing this post on January 15th and life has taken over. 

Today of all days I have found myself reflecting more on this post and thoughts that run through it. Many people don't know/haven't known that we have been trying to have a baby for the last 3 1/2 years. Between my PCOS and some health issues that my husband faced it has been a long and complicated journey. Last year we suffered two miscarriages and I was completed devastated.  

At the same time we found out that my step-daughter was expecting - and it's a hard thing to understand what I felt, what my husband felt. A mix of joy, fear, excitement, sadness all in one. It was particularly difficult for me when we went for our visit - and I'm going to say those who haven't struggled with infertility might now understand but it's hard when others around you are pregnant.  Needless to say at the end of the day there was joy and excitement. She had the baby on November 19, 2017 - two short days before I was having surgery related to my fertility issues - again a mix of joy and sorrow. 

RIP Finley Jon - Nov 19, 2017 to Jan 27, 2018
But today there is nothing but overwhelming fear and sadness and a complete lack of understanding. I was sitting at home watching some Netflix thinking it was about time to get out of bed, have breakfast, do my stretches and get my daughter off to dance class. I was happy - it's been a good week with exercise and food mostly on track. Then I hear my husband walk in and I was very confused he is suppose to be at work - so I know that this is not good news. Then he tells me that his grandson, our grandson (having a hard time still wrapping my head around that) was found in his crib this morning and he was gone. He had passed over night. 

It is hard to describe the emotions and thoughts that go through your head at a moment like this - I don't know how to feel, I don't know how I am allowed to feel given so much that has happened. I can not imagine - it has been my biggest nightmare that something like this would happen to us and now it is happening to my step-daughter. I still can't process it. 

One of the only things I can think is that I should have sent my husband home at Christmas. I had thought and contemplated a number of times sending him home for Christmas so he could met his grandson but thought we would have more time. We had sent her a certificate to do family portraits for a Christmas present and they were holding off until he was older. Now he will never get to hold his grandson. Now they will never have formal family pictures. Now a little boy will never grow up. 

There is not always going to be a later. 

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