it's been a week...actually now 2 weeks... and that's the point

I'm shocked that it has been a week  now almost two weeks since my last post - it's like time flew by.  It was a crazy week trying to recover from the flu that struck the house.

Husband and I were sick enough that we kept the Monkey at her Dad's place for extra time to try and avoid getting her sick. But it has made me think about one word - Later.

Think back over your last day, week, month and year - how many times have you said later. Take a moment and really think - I'll send that message later, I'll do the dishes later, I'll put away those things later, We'll do this activity later. Now think - how many times have you come through on that later. Sure you will do things that are necessary at some point later - like the dishes they have to be done.

I find that I have used many excuses or reasons to justify doing something later in my life. It was an issue that I had that lead to my life revolution several years ago and in examining where I want to go this year and where I am - I find myself doing something similar "living for my life later." Granted there are definitely things that we are not leaving for later - the big things - opportunities to visit family, experience things. But it has made me think about all of the little things that I am missing out on every day.

I am trying to think every day - if this was my last day on earth what would my epitaph say, what would the eulogy of my life say? I have been reflecting on what "live every day as if it was your last" mean.  The best things in my life have truly happened when I have said why not and went with it. I think it means that if today was it for me would I be happy - would I have regrets about things I haven't done.

-- I started writing this post on January 15th and life has taken over. 

Today of all days I have found myself reflecting more on this post and thoughts that run through it. Many people don't know/haven't known that we have been trying to have a baby for the last 3 1/2 years. Between my PCOS and some health issues that my husband faced it has been a long and complicated journey. Last year we suffered two miscarriages and I was completed devastated.  

At the same time we found out that my step-daughter was expecting - and it's a hard thing to understand what I felt, what my husband felt. A mix of joy, fear, excitement, sadness all in one. It was particularly difficult for me when we went for our visit - and I'm going to say those who haven't struggled with infertility might now understand but it's hard when others around you are pregnant.  Needless to say at the end of the day there was joy and excitement. She had the baby on November 19, 2017 - two short days before I was having surgery related to my fertility issues - again a mix of joy and sorrow. 

RIP Finley Jon - Nov 19, 2017 to Jan 27, 2018

But today there is nothing but overwhelming fear and sadness and a complete lack of understanding. I was sitting at home watching some Netflix thinking it was about time to get out of bed, have breakfast, do my stretches and get my daughter off to dance class. I was happy - it's been a good week with exercise and food mostly on track. Then I hear my husband walk in and I was very confused he is suppose to be at work - so I know that this is not good news. Then he tells me that his grandson, our grandson (having a hard time still wrapping my head around that) was found in his crib this morning and he was gone. He had passed over night. 

It is hard to describe the emotions and thoughts that go through your head at a moment like this - I don't know how to feel, I don't know how I am allowed to feel given so much that has happened. I can not imagine - it has been my biggest nightmare that something like this would happen to us and now it is happening to my step-daughter. I still can't process it. 

One of the only things I can think is that I should have sent my husband home at Christmas. I had thought and contemplated a number of times sending him home for Christmas so he could met his grandson but thought we would have more time. We had sent her a certificate to do family portraits for a Christmas present and they were holding off until he was older. Now he will never get to hold his grandson. Now they will never have formal family pictures. Now a little boy will never grow up. 

There is not always going to be a later. 

The flu has struck and I made soup!

So the husband has been sick since just before the New Year and I have been feeling ill since shortly after but now have been hit full on with the symptoms of the flu. It sucks a lot and I know I am not alone because it has struck the city hard.

In any event this has lead to a desire to hibernate on the couch under many blankets and have comfort food. I do not profess to know much about what is or isn't comfort food but for me anything that warms the heart and makes you feel good is comfort food. For example, one of my comfort foods is sushi - yes not traditional. At home my comfort food can be soup, pasta, mac and cheese, lasagna, shepherds pie, meat loaf and mashed potatoes - anything along those lines. 

However, comfort food usually takes a long time to cook which requires effort which for those that are sick can understand is difficult to muster - especially when it's so cold outside and the blankets and couch are so comfy. 

I managed to turn to what is quickly becoming a favourite of mine - roasted vegetable soup - usually carrots.  Roasted Carrot soup is cheap, easy and so filling. 

I have made it before in different varieties - curried roasted carrot soup, herb roasted carrot soup, Ras el Hanout roasted  carrot soup (inspired by Chef Karen Akunowicz); and now Harissa Roasted Carrot Soup. 

I don't remember where I found the soup recipe but it super basic:

Roasted Carrot Soup

• 2 lbs of Carrots - peeled and sliced on the bias (or just sliced about 1/4")
• 1 onion
• 4 cloves of garlic
• Spice or herb of choice - about 2 tbsp for spice blends (curry, Harissa etc) 
• for Curried - use a curry mix (either make your own or use store bought - for this I error on using store bought) 
• Ras el Hanout - I found this at an ethnic food store or you can buy it here
• Harissa - I used a powder mix vs. using a paste 
• Christmas or Herb roasted:
• 2 tsp fresh Thyme
• 3 springs Fresh Rosemary
• 5 leaves of Sage thick slices
• 2 tsp Oregano
• 2 tbsp oil - you can use olive or vegetable - I tend to go for vegetable oil 
• 1 1/2 tsp kosher salt
• 4 L Chicken broth
• 1/2 cup heavy cream
• Salt and Pepper to taste

1. Preheat the oven to 400F.
2. Peel and cut the carrots and place in a bowl or a large zip lock back. 
3. Peel and cut the onion in half and then cut the half into 4 parts from the top to the bottom (top to the roots) 
4. Add the onions and garlic to the bag with the carrots
5. Add your desired spices to the bag - I don't ever measure the spices I add so the above is my best estimate - you basically want to add enough so that every piece gets some.
6. Add the oil to the bag, close and vigorously, messaging to move the oil and spices around. 
7. Dumb the veggies onto a baking sheet so that there is one even layer (I use one large pan sheet or you can use two.  If you use two sheets make sure that you rotate). 
8. Roast for 30 to 45 minutes turning the veggies once or twice while cooking. 
9. Once the veggies are done roasting - either add them to a pot and use an immersion blender-
1. OR use a food processor and add the veggies. If using the food processor allow the veggies to cool for 10 minutes first
10.  Add some of the chicken broth to help the veggies get nice and smooth once all processed placed in pot - or if using the immersion blender - add the rest of the chicken stock until you get the desired consistency (think smooth, no lumps, runs but coats a spoon when stirring). I then add the heavy cream and let the soup simmer for about 30 minutes.
11. Taste and adjust seasoning after letting the soup simmer.
12. Serve!

I often serve with toast or pan fried bread. 

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More Tagine Experiments

My Le Creuset Tagine 

Encouraged by a Chef I admire I decided to make my second attempt at using the Tagine to be a dessert - specifically a Fragrant Spiced Rice Pudding from Chef Gordon Ramsay that I have been dying to try now for a while. 

I was inspired to try this dish based on the Moroccan based spices I have been reading up and inspired by. I have the book The Spice & Herb Bible 3rd Edition that I have really just started using to create on my own (Christmas Roast Carrot Soup).  In any event I was reading up on Cardamom, Star Anise, Allspice, Cinnamon, Cumin etc. and it made me think of steeping the spices in milk and then infusing them in to a Bread Pudding. However, it is amazingly cold outside (-30 something plus a windchill) and I didn't have the bread to make bread pudding so I turned to thinking about rice pudding.

Then it hit me the Fragrant Spiced Rice Pudding from Gordon Ramsay's book "Home Cooking: Everything you need to know to make Fabulous Food" (which I have already said if you don't have you need to get).

Condensation on the Lid

Now a Tagine seems tricky to work with - but what I have read the rules are basic: low and slow cooking over a long period of time. Don't lift the lid unless absolutely necessary. (I am sure there is more to learn but those are the ones I have picked up so far). Basically the magic of how the Tagine works is the special shaped lid.  It stays cooler than the rest of the dish so when the liquid in the tagging is hot enough to boil it turns to steam and then condenses on the lid raining back down on the dish. (Think like a slow cooker in a way). 

Final Product from the Oven 

FRAGRANT SPICED RICE PUDDING

Serves 6 - 8

2 Cardamom pods, lightly crushed (I have black and green - based on the Spice Bible I used green) 

1 Vanilla Pod, split open and seeds scraped out

3 cloves

1/2 cinnamon stick, napped in half

14-ounce can Coconut Milk

1/4 cup sugar

2 1/2 cups whole milk

2 tbsp heavy cream

Zest of 1 1/2 limes

1 cup short-grain white rice

2 egg yolks

2 heaping tbsp Mascarpone Cheese

1. Preheat Oven to 400F (because I used the Tagine - I put it on the stove over Medium-high heat to heat while I prepared the spices).
2. Put the Cardamom pods; vanilla pod and seeds in a 9-inch overproof baking pan with the cloves and cinnamon stick. Place over medium heat and toast for 2 minutes until aromatic. (I placed these in the tagine while it was heating with the lid on - the best smell ever when I lifted it up).
3. Add the coconut milk, sugar, milk and heavy cream and bring slowly to a boil, stirring gently as you do so. Add the zest of 1 lime, then taste adding more if you like. (Frankly I didn't bring the mixture all the way to a boil only because I was going to be cooking it longer in the Tagine on the stove. Also I did not like the flavour of the milk with the zest of the lime added). 
4. Pour in the rice and mix well. Bring to a boil, reduce to a simmer and cook gently for 20 minutes, stirring constantly, until most of the milk mixture is absorbed and the rice is softened. (I stirred mine once every 10 minutes and let it cook for about 40 minutes on with the lid on - I was careful to lift the lid straight up and let any condensation fall back into the Tagine). 
5. Mix together egg yolks and mascarpone and add to the rice mixture off the heat, making sure it is well combined. Wipe the sides of the pan of any liquid so id doesn't burn in the oven. Sprinkle with the remaining lime zest over the top of the dish and place in the over for 20 to 25 minutes until golden brown on the top and the rice is cooked through. (I skipped the lime zest and cooked for an additional 10 minutes on the stove before I put the Tagine into the oven - I just put the base though so that the top would brown.) 

Happy New Years!

It is a New Year and so many people take the opportunity to make reflections on the last year, what has happened, what is to come and things they want to change. I have made resolutions before and admittedly I'm terrible at keeping them - but yet I keep making them and this year will be no different in that I will be making them and I anticipate that it will be no different in the fact that I will have difficulty living up to them.  But I think that may just be the point of resolutions and the new year.  It is an opportunity to reflect.

My reflection started earlier than New Years this year. It started in October when I found out I was going to need to have a minor surgery and then I got more reflective once the surgery date was scheduled. I had a similar style of minor surgery (laparoscopic) in 2011 and my life changed immensely after that. Now I feel that in order to understand where I might be now in life you need to understand me then. I was not happy in many ways in 2011 and I knew it but I didn't do much about it. After my surgery, I had an unintended consequence of my eyes swelling which affect my ability to see, read, be alone. After the surgery I had a major emotional break down and was devastated knowing what my life had been and what it might not be if my eye sight didn't get better. 

My eye sight slowing got better but I made a decision to say screw it and be happy - to look after me. I did so very selfishly with little regard to the consequences and fall out.  The end result of changing my life, my partner, my career could have been achieved in a much better fashion. That being said I made a promise to myself that I would take advantage of my life and live my life and I mean really live the crap out of it. 

“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!” - Hunter S. Thompson, The Proud Highway: Saga of a Desperate Southern Gentleman, 1955-1967

I found that quote and I wanted to live by it and for a while I did. In 2013 I took chances and it lead my to amazing things - I found my now husband - we took a month and travelled around Europe. I risked losing my job to take the month off but knew it was worth it. I got to see family who was very important to me I hadn't had the opportunity to see in many years (decades). I found a what feels like second family (Annie, Frank, Louise, Jowie) had amazing experiences. In 2014 we moved out into my first apartment, I married my husband in two amazing ceremonies one thrown together in about 24 hours; I started a different job taking a major risk; I started to really follow my passion for cooking. In 2015 I took a chance getting a different job and buying a house (which is a place of our nightmares and dreams). I loved that job and in 2016 it lead to my current job which is in a way a dream job.

In 2017 we traveled to see family again - this time my daughter and I left my husband in 1 country and went to visit family in 2 other countries on our own. I will say it was very scary and my brave monkey just 11 1/2 helped me a lot - she's an amazing kid really I'm blessed but I almost past on the opportunity because i was so scared. 

However, staring down the eyes of surgery again I looked at my life and had a really hard time answering the question "Have you lived your life? and I mean really lived your life?"

And the answer is I have and I haven't. In many ways I am like a piece of drift wood in the river being taken wherever the current takes me at times having a glimpse of living my life. I took time off after my surgery and I mean really took time off - I was off for 3 weeks and I barely did anything - answered a few emails and phone calls, cooked some traditional Tortiere, napped, watched Netflix and really just relaxed. It gave my unprecedented perspective on my work and life balance. 

This leads me to my resolutions:

1. Continue to work on the 366/52 Challenge - I no longer feel that I need to complete it during the year. Honestly, given the challenges that are coming this year I know I'm not going to achieve that. which leads to next goal. 

2. Cook at home and eat out less - trying to eat out once every two weeks. It is so easy to stop for something on the way home especially after it has been a long day at work and things are busy. But I need to be frank some days I'm too tired to really cook so I give myself more permission to use short cuts - remade pasta and sauces when doing anything more seems too complicated. It has been the downside of the cooking goal - I sometimes feel like it always has to be fancy or difficult but it really doesn't have to be. 

3. Work out more. I know - I really need to work on this one and I need to be accountable and I need a group of people to support me. I would like to get into a consistent routine of at least 3 times a week but I think if I found a way to do a minimum of 30 minutes a day it would be great. 

4. Watch what I eat. It is ok to be lazy and take short cuts when I'm too tired - eating consistently is the most important thing for me. That being said - I need to consider easy and healthy options that I know I actually like. 

5. Work on my Marriage. I love my husband to bits and it is easy to let a relationship slid especially when life gets crazy and it is about to get crazier considering he is starting school tomorrow (OMG! excited). So we need to make sure we take time and focus on our relationship - this means brining back the 1 date a week rule. 

6. Live my life. I need to ask myself at the end of the day have I done everything that I could to make sure if it was my last I would look back and be happy. This is going to be the most difficult and I think back to "How I Met Your Mother" where Barney tries to make every night legendary - if every night is legendary then isn't legendary the ordinary. I think for me it means that some days will be out of this world legendary and other days it means doing what makes me happy (like cooking or working out.) 

That's it - pretty typical right. 

A request for some magic

The magic is needed for an amazing family I have only met once but I can tell you - despite what they may say - I feel like they saved my life and my family.

It all started this past summer when my husband, daughter (11 years old) and I were visiting my husbands family in England and decided to do a road trip around England.  It was an aggressive road trip that we had planned which took us from Birmingham, to Holyhead back through to Blackpool through the Lake District to Penrith, up to Carlisle where we would cross over to Hartlepool down through York and back to Birmingham.  We left on a Tuesday and got back on a Saturday - spending each day getting up driving and exploring on the way to the next place spending only one night.

The first leg to Holyhead went really well. The next day we set off on what we knew was going to be our longest leg - from Holyhead to Blackpool then though the lake district to Penrith. Now we were relying entirely on the GPS in our rented vehicle and when we left Blackpool we had set our sites on going to see Scafell Pike.  We travelled through the lake district to a place called West Waters as a stop over point on the way the Penrith.  When we had originally set our route it took us back and all the way around the lake district which seemed odd but again we were just following the GPS. After spending some time at West Water and being amazed by the beauty we got back in the car but because we never actually made it to the mountain the GPS was having difficulty so we had to reset and have it go just to Penrith.  While we did that I looked at the map we had with us and wondered why we had to go all they way around the lake district when the GPS binged and had a new route. 

We followed the GPS directions down the small and windy roads until we go to the bottom of a mountain. There was a sign on the bottom of the road that warned about using the road in the winter, there was a phone booth.  The road looked very curvy but nothing crazy. We set up the road and saw a warning side about the steep incline of the road. Little did we know that we were starting to go over Hardknott Pass. Now if you don’t know Hardknott Pass if tied for the steepest road in England with a 33% grade and razor sharp switch backs (that aren’t visible from the bottom).  It is known to be extremely dangerous (al of this we would not find out until after our ordeal). 

We started up the pass and quickly realized that this was not going to be an easy trip up the mountain as my husband tried to switch out of 1st gear but almost stalled. We kept going and we scared as all hell wishing we had tried to find another way but again we had a limited map of the area and were relying on GPS. We made it to the top of the pass when my husband hit a pothole that couldn’t be avoided and we heard a loud bang. My husband swore, my daughter asked what was wrong and all of sudden the warning light for the tires came on.  We pulled over and quickly realized we had a very very flat tire. Thank god we were at the top of the pass because there was a small place that was flat that we could move off the single lane road and try and change the tire. 

We got out of the car and unloaded the trunk to try and change the tire only to find that there was no spare only an inflation kit. My husband, who used to work with tires knew that it wouldn’t work, but I insisted that we try anyways.  As we started the inflation kit we could see a 2” gash in the side of the tire as the liquid started squirting out. 

My daughter and I started to freak out. We turned on our phones to see if we could get signal and nothing because we were at the top of a mountain. I knew that there was a phone at the bottom of one side but no houses or anything close. We looked over on the other side and could see a farm house with a light in the field on. After some quick discussion we knew our only choice was to walk to the farm house.  

for the safety of the vehicle we left my husband in the car with the limited supplies we had and my daughter and I started the very long hike down the mountain. I could barely keep my composure as my daughter tried to calm me. We allowed ourselves a few minutes of panic as we walked and then tried to keep it together. I kept wondering if someone would be home - if they could help - what we would do with nothing around us. I was scared of who would be living in the home and that i was putting my daughter in risk.

The walk down to the farm house was long and dangerous on the road - much further than we thought. The worst part is we had no way to communicate with my husband whom we left at the top. As we walked a rainbow appeared over the farm house and I hopped this was good sign. I took a picture - this is the only picture I have from the entire experience from leaving at the other side of the pass.

We got to the farm house and knocked on the door. A gruff farmer answered the door and I explained. he closed the door, came back and then handed me a phone.  I tried to call the number we could find for the car rental help line. When I got them on the phone I got very frustrated because they kept asking for the registration (in Canada it would be insurance papers) as I would later find out it was the licence plate number of the car.  I was having difficulty explaining to the people on the phone I couldn’t just walk back to the car and get the information. It started to get colder, windy and rain as I cried. I knocked on the door again and begged for help the farmer took the phone, closed the door and tried talking to the people on the phone. I looked through my phone (the only thing we had brought with us on the walk down the hill) and found a picture I had taken of some of the rental information - funnily enough so we could get out of the lot at the airport. I knocked at the door and the farmers wife answered the door. I gave her my phone and said here maybe this will help.  She left the door partially open and went to give the information to her husband. 

At this point I asked if my daughter could use the washroom as she needed to go and not just pee. the Farmers wife left her in and again left the door partially open. At this point i sneaked into the kitchen and just stood at the door and saw their dogs. I tried to make conversation with her (Sandra) while still sobbing - she kept trying to say to me to calm down - it was just a flat tire. my daughter came down and joined us in the kitchen.  Sandra was having major issues with the car rental company - largely due to our location and the time of the day. 

As she waited for them to sort out what was going to happen we kept talking and she invited us to sit at the table - she could tell i was still very upset and I explained that we had left my husband with very little at the top of the mountain and I was concerned about something happening to him. We had passed no vehicles on the way up or down but there was a chance and they could have hit the car. Sandra had her husband drive up to the top of the pass to get my husband. During the long wait for him to get back down she kept fighting with the car rental company about what to do as we still had to get to our hotel in Penrith - another hour away. She also called and talked to the Hotel in Penrith to explain our situation, she allowed us to call my in-laws to let them know what had happened. 

Our husbands arrived back at the farm house as Sandra was fighting with the recovery company that they weren’t going to be able to do anything until the next day. I was panicking again worried about where we would spend the night. Sandra finally got off the phone and said that they would drive my husband back to the top of the mountain to fetch ALL of our stuff and then drive us to our hotel. This whole experience started around 3:30 pm and us arriving at the farm house around 5:00 pm. Our husbands went up to fetch everything and around 11:00 pm we set off for the hotel - which we didn’t understand meant driving on small tiny roads through the mountain and another mountain pass at night. We got to our hotel just after midnight after which her husband would have to make the trip all the way back to the farm house. 

They had kept the key to the vehicle and assisted the next day in the recovery of the vehicle co-orindating with the recovery company. We found the next day talking with the Inn owner and the recovery company that this couple has this situation happen a lot and they often provide a phone or information or help to people in trouble and the recovery company. 

This family - with two small daughters took us in - calmed us, provided comfort and went out of their way to help us and provide us with safety. If they hadn’t had been home or provided help I don’t know how the night would have turned out. They kept insisting it was just a flat tire - but on the dark mountain road in the middle of the night in a completely new situation it was the scariest was thing we have ever faced. 

I have no idea where they would want to go - but I think visiting Canada would be amazing for them. 

This family deserves some magic in a small attempt to make up for the debt I feel my family owes them. 

Happy Anniversary to my Husband

Marriage if a funny thing - it is an agreement between two people to live together and have a life together through "richer and poorer; good times and bad; in health and sickness" until the end of life. I have a friend is in many ways an inspiration to me and she has often written about her and her husband celebrating that they have not killed each other. I find this fitting way of looking at marriage.

My husband in many ways is my best friend. He is the person that I want to go see scary movies, funny movies, share a bowl of popcorn with. I love hanging out with him and doing many different things. But that is the easy part of marriage - that is the rich, good and healthy times. It is the hard times the difficult times where you sometimes just want to punch the other person that makes marriage tough.

It reminds me silly enough of the movie Just Married and the speech the Dad

Some days your mother and me loved each other. Other days we had to work at it. You never see the hard days in a photo album... but those are the ones that get you from one happy snapshot to the next. I'm sorry your honeymoon stunk but that's what you got dealt. Now you gotta work through it. Sarah doesn't need a guy with a fat wallet to make her happy. I saw how you love this girl. How you two lit each other up. She doesn't need anymore security than that.  

So to my husband: three years ago we stood together and made each other promises, we haven’t always done well on those promises but like we know they are always a work in progress. They were simple promises based on love and respect. We have had our ups, downs and fights. But through everything there has been love. I am amazed every day that we ended up together and at all of the crazy, stressful and amazing adventures we have been on together. But there is no one else in the world that I would rather: drive up a crazy dangerous mountain road; zip line; explore abandoned buildings; cook; cuddle; take trains, planes and cars with than you. So here is to the last three years of not killing each other and here is to the next year and lifetime of crazy adventures. I look forward to continue growing with you and falling more in love with you each and every day.

Learning how to Balance

It was my mission last year to set out on a year of discovery and adventure.  Starting at some point in 2015 my culinary adventures started lighting up and I began discovering more my love of cooking and baking. 

I mean I have always loved cooking and baking but my culinary adventures really started taking off and I became more interested in trying different things from different areas and making as much as possible from scratch. My culinary adventures went really well and it was really amazing until I started a new job.  I have been at this job now for about 16 months and it has been really difficult. I have been working longer hours (a lot of overtime) and frankly often I come home on certain days and even the thought of picking up food on the way home or making a grilled cheese sandwich is too much work. This has resulted in a lot more eating out than I want to and a lot of time not cooking or baking. 

It has been difficult because I want to practice and work as much as I can on my skills but then I make of making spaghetti and meatballs but - that's at least 60 to 90 minutes with proper resting for the pasta.  This is far too long on some of the work nights. So I have been trying to find a way of balancing the need to stop eating out so much, the need to be able to make quick meals that are still good, and the need to practice difference skills. 

Finally the other night - for the first time in a while I found some balance with Spaghetti and meatballs (I LOVE making pasta) and Meatballs area an easy item (one of the first things I made for my husband). I managed to achieve balance in two ways. First I used store bought noodles. I used the cold water technique from Alton Browns "Everyday Cook". I was going to use store bought sauce and then make the meat balls from scratch.  Although as I got into the swing of things I made the decision to make home made tomato sauce. I have a quick Gordon Ramsay version for Chicken Parmesan that I modified slightly.  

At the end of the night we had Spaghetti and meatballs - it took less than 45 minutes all told (that did involve some cleaning) and the meatballs and sauce was from scratch.  (I should mention I also had the monkey helping me and was teaching so I think all told I could have probably gotten that down to 30 minutes. I consider that a success and honestly - with taking a few short cuts I still felt great about making it myself.  Even better I was energised, excited and happy after a long day.  I just need to give myself the permission to take the short cuts.